Not The Favorite

Ok, someone needs to hold an intervention for Ms. Spears. She managed to go 8 years without any major flashes. One week with Paris Hilton and there have been 3 incidents of her showing off her va-j-j. I'm sorry, but speaking as a mom, I would never put myself into that type of situation that could potentially mortify my children in the future when all of their friends are like, Remember when your mom wore that shirt that said "M.I.L.F. in Training"? Yeah, well, we saw her naughty bits and we're in for a piece of that action! Gross. Put on some underwear and get the hell away from Dirty Skank Paris Hilton.

That comeback you were talking about? Forget it. You've just alienated your most loyal fans (yes, I used to love the Britster) by re-enforcing your white trash redneck roots. And you have the same amount of class as a Vivid girl.

Oh wait, at least they get paid good money for showing of their goods. I'd pay to have that Britney girlie-bit picture burned out of my brain.

Update: Mother f***ing Christ, she did it again last night! Where the hell is her family to kick her in the ass and make her cover up that shit?? Maybe I should consult some divorcees and see if this flashing is a normal part of divorce. Does divorce = poon-showing, no-panties rebellion?

Labels: Misc., Rants

I believe we’ve hit the stage in Lauren’s life where food has become less than a priority to her. Last night, Lauren had a fairly small supper, again. A couple of bites is better than none I suppose. We gave her some apple sauce as a dessert but she didn’t really have much interest in it and only had a few bites here and there, basically whenever she came close to the coffee table and I had a spoonful ready.

Around 7 or so, she wanted some more and began feeding herself while I held the container. She’s getting pretty good with a spoon but hasn’t quite figure out that you have to hold spoon end face up or the floor gets the applesauce. Still, she managed quite well and wanted to tackle holding the container, too. I thought to myself, no way Jose, and said no no, Mama will hold it for you.

Oh…My…God…

Down goes the spoon, her body goes rigid and the shrieking begins. This girl is pissed off.

She was inconsolable for at least 5 minutes. I couldn’t even attempt to calm her down. Getting on her level didn’t work, hugging her didn’t work, giving her the applesauce didn’t work and laughing especially didn’t work. Jon and I just walked away and went into the kitchen, leaving her screaming in the living room.

She eventually calmed down and took a bottle. That was the first time she had a fit and we couldn’t help fix it. She wanted to be angry and yell and stomp.

But I guess we all have those moments.

Labels: Lauren

Do you hear it? I think so. No, I don't hear anything... Wait, there it is. Where the hell is that coming from???

I see you turning around trying to figure out what you're hearing and who's doing it.

It's me. Humming, sometimes singing, at my desk. And I'm not going to stop.

Deal with it.

Labels: [Insert Company Name Here], Misc.

Apparently, I have a sign on me that only assholes can see. It says “Harass Me, Please.” I can’t see it but I’m told it must be there because why else would otherwise normal men become total jerks to me? I will be nice to you, I will tolerate this one time. One more time, you get a warning from me. If there is a third time, you will be getting a visit from HR.

I can count at least four times in the last 5 years that I have been harassed by a male co-worker who thinks he has the right to do so. And doesn't see anything wrong with his actions.

Attention Jerks of the World:

Here’s a friendly reminder that you are not, in fact, God’s gift to women and that I do not want you sending me "flirty"/harassing messages, I do not want you telling me to set up a web cam so you can watch me at home or that you’d just like to take me home. I especially do not enjoy you rubbing yourself on me “by accident”, the hallway is 4 feet wide, give me a break asshole. Innocent flirting is ok if it’s mutual but if I cringe when I see you or try at all costs to avoid you, it’s a pretty safe bet that I’m not into your game.

Maybe I’m too friendly or smile too much in your general direction. Whatever. I’m sick of being treated like a piece of meat. I’m not here for your sexual pleasure. I’m here to do my job and I would appreciate you leaving me the hell alone.

Labels: [Insert Company Name Here], People Are Stupid

My cat Trinity. Meanest, most spiteful creature there ever was. They say that black cats are by nature hard to deal with and high strung. They are soooo right. I swear she tries to burn a hole through my head by death-staring at me. When she looks at me with her furry little ears pinned back, I'm sure she's thinking "F*** you...." and "Die b****, die, die"

We have been trying to toilet-train Trinity for at least a year now. We decided that it would be healthier for everyone if we could do away with the cat litter. Our apartment is pretty tiny and one litter box is enough to stink up the whole place. We've done everything right and even used a special cat toilet-training device www.citikitty.com. It's taken a long time and I think we've hit the point where she is just going to do whatever the hell she feels like and wherever she feels like doing it. I really feel like it's now a game to her. She will pee in the toilet 99.9% of the time, she'll even do it with us in the room, while we brush our teeth or when we're giving Lauren a bath. We give her treats when we see her do it and praise her. Good little kitty...

Pooping is a whole other story. It's more like a 25% chance she'll go in the toilet and 75% she'll go in the tub or elsewhere. Most of the time we have to constantly keep just enough water in the tub to cover the bottom. Can't poop with your feet in water, now can you? At one point, she would even use the bathroom sink! Ewww. So, we would put something in it so she couldn't. She's decided lately that the bathroom floor will also do in a pinch. Seriously, if you can pee in the toilet, why the hell can't you shit in it?? Because she's spiteful and likes to watch me get pissed off. She's toying with me and damnit! I don't think it's funny! Jon wants to give the litter box back to her. I haven't given up yet.

Sigh... On a grossness scale, though. Would I rather clean cat poop out of the tub or Lauren's curious mouth?

Labels: Trinity

Saturday Night
The night started off pretty good. Jon and I threw in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Mans Chest after Lauren went to bed at 7:30. We order some pizza and I was about to go pick it up when Lauren started crying. I went in and rocked her while Jon left to get the food. And then I hear the 2 loud girls leave Lauries apartment like a herd of elephants. I bang on the wall to shut them up but it just wakes Lauren up and the loud girls don’t even notice. Everything settles down and Jon and I continue to watch our movie. The next thing we know, Monica (owner of the building and Lauries mother) storms down the hall and very loud yelling starts. So loud, Jon and I are having a hard time hearing the TV. So, I go out to tell them to be quiet and realize Monica is yelling at one of the loud girls about respect and whatnot with the door wide open. Laurie is standing maybe 5 feet away from me and I have to yell 4 times to get his attention to please close the door. Monica leaves a few minutes later and we start the movie back up. A very short 30 minutes later, Monica practically runs down the hall and is screaming at the loud girl to “Get out and never come back on this property or I will physically throw you off of it!” The loud girl leaves and peels out of the parking lot. Holy crap… Jon and I are listening to this in our apartment with our door closed and I’m shocked Lauren hasn’t woken up yet.
Knock, Knock, Knock. It’s Monica apologizing for her behavior and that she didn’t mean to disturb us but the loud girl was bad mouthing her and at 63 she has the right to be respected in her own home and she won’t tolerate such behavior. Honestly, I was damn proud of that woman. Jon and I had been complaining to each other for months about how loud this chick is and we’re extremely happy someone finally did something about it. So, back to the movie…

Sunday
Screaming and crying wake Jon and I up at 4:30am. It’s Lauren again. But this time when we go get her, she has a high fever and is practically inconsolable. We try giving her Advil but she gags and throws up. Telecare just tells us she probably has a virus and to keep her hydrated and she should better in 12-24 hours. We strip her naked and take her into bed with us. 6:30 rolls around and Lauren is up and raring to go. She eats breakfast and seems normal for a while. Then the fever come back. I’m supposed to go to work but Jon is feeling sick too and wants me to stay home because he doesn’t think he can take care of her. I call in sick to care for my two babies. By supper time, she seems fine. I give her bath and it’s off to bed.

Monday
Lauren’s been crying off and on all night and when I get her up she has a 103 fever. I call in sick again to work and take care of her. Jon has to go to work so Lauren and I spend a quiet day together trying to keep cool and rested. But she refuses to eat or drink anything and her whole face is running.

Tuesday
Same as Monday it seems. Up with a 103 fever and Jon and I decide to take her to the ER to make sure she doesn’t have anything serious. I call in sick again. We get there and she plays and walks around, leading the nurses to believe that she’s fine and we get bumped over and over. So, we go home without being seen by a doctor and continue to give her fluids. After no success in getting in to see our own doctor, we take her to the After Hours Clinic. She has a virus and to keep giving her fluids and Tylenol with Advil for the fever.

Wednesday
As if it couldn’t get any worse. She wakes up with 104.2 fever. I’m about to lose my mind and can’t call in sick again so I wait til the fever breaks and take her to daycare at 10. When I get to work, I have the worst day of my life here. I get reamed for taking time off with my sick child and that they believe I am unwilling to work because I chose her over work. Later on that afternoon, I’m told to work til 6, though I’d already worked through lunch, and that management believed I was uncommitted to the project and that one lady even wanted me replaced because of it. So, between 4 and 6, I sit and work and sob quietly at my desk trying not to completely lose it. This is a lot to take in with very little sleep in four days. And I now have a migraine from stress, lack of sleep and the fact that I hadn’t eaten anything since 9 that morning. When I finally am able to go home, I call to check in as I'm packing up my stuff to leave. She spiked to 104.5 in the afternoon and then 104.8 just before I called. My poor baby...

Thursday
Finally! No Fever! Still sick but at least she not cooking on the inside. I decide to make an appointment to see a psychologist that my doctor recommended when I saw him on Monday for my own check regular checkup. I told him about the stress at work but that it was ok right now since I was off my last really stressful project. How’s that for Murphy’s Law? As soon as I complain to my doctor about stress and “no, I don’t think we need to treat it right now” that two days later I would almost have a mental collapse at my desk. I also make an appointment with HR to defend myself and ask why I was being penalized for time off I was entitled to. Turns out, my team lead handled the situation very poorly and that I was in the right the whole time. I know that our client was really upset that our project was off track because I wasn’t here but I shouldn’t have been made to feel guilty for choosing family over work. Still, I can’t have this happening again or I will go postal and do something really stupid. And really, how many times do I have to sit and cry at my desk before something is done about it?

Labels: [Insert Company Name Here], Lauren

33. When I have the hiccups, it’s usually just a single hiccup.
34. I need to smell things.
35. I lost my virginity in my parents trailer parked in our driveway with my first serious boyfriend at age 16, and my dad banged on the side telling us to “stop rocking the trailer”.
36. I love horror movies, and I’m terrified of the dark because of it.
37. On the way to get my first tattoo, I found out my then-boyfriend fell while snowboarding and was at the hospital. I went to get the tattoo before going to see him. He was a jerk anyway.
38. I used to bite my toenails and probably still would if I was flexible enough.
39. I read my own blog over and over because I think I’m hilarious.
40. I tried smoking in junior high but couldn’t get past the head rush.
41. I tried smoking pot in high school. I quit smoking pot 4 years later.
42. I like to people-watch.
43. I’m proud of the home I keep.
44. Therapy has never helped me with my anger issues.
45. I wish I was more creative and artsy.
46. I hold grudges.
47. I find the color yellow offensive, unless it come in the form of something cute and cuddly.
48. I am constantly hungry. The only time I’m full is directly following a meal but half hour later, I need something else to eat.
49. I refuse to cut my hair really short again because someone once asked if I was a boy.
50. Most small dogs really scare me.
51. I don’t have a favorite season. It’s either too hot, too cold, too rainy etc…
52. I cry out of frustration when I’m really angry.
53. I hate crying.
54. I cringe at the sound of trickling water.

To be continued...

Labels: Lists

I visited a friend's house over the weekend and spied a scale under her bench in the kitchen. I haven't weighed myself for at least 6 months, so I decided that I shoud probably just do it and get it over with.

I step on and look down. I stare at the numbers, blink a few times and look again.

"Um, is this scale accurate?"

"Let me see." I move off and she steps on. "Yep, it's right on."

And it's official, I have kicked pregnancy weight ass! I'm down to 1 pound less than my pre-pregnancy weight. At good old 117lbs. Could I be more excited?? I don't think so!!

The best part about the whole thing is that I didn't try, not for one second, to lose this weight. It literally just came off. Sure, it took a year but required no effort at all. And I am all about no effort work-outs.

So, take it from me ladies. It can be done without going to the gym. All you need is a really big anxiety problem that lets you sit down for no more than a half hour at a time before the need to clean/tidy something becomes too much for you to ignore any longer.

"Uh yeah, hi there. It's me, the cup on the half wall. Listen, I really need to be taken off this shelf and put in the dishwasher. Right and while you're there, run the dishwasher, do Lauren's dishes, sweep the floor, change the garbage and clean up Jon's desk because you know he won't do it himself. Oh hey, I hear the dirty towels calling from your room. Something about wanting to be cleaned and folded neatly by size and color and put into the closet."

Labels: Weight