Not The Favorite

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Observations to Waste Time

* Chewing Wrigleys Spearmint gum feels like chewing old semi-flavored rubber after a couple minutes.

* Telling a small child that they can't rip their own hat off because it's held together with Velcro, and getting a response of "Oh..." in a tone of, "ok I get it", does not mean they will stop screaming about it.

* Trying to schedule a psych appointment and a doctors appointment on the same day at separate times for two completely different doctors sharing office space, will get you a response of "I'm sorry, we just can't do that."

* Wearing black nail polish simply for the hell of it is just asking for people to call you an Emo.

* Not being assigned to a project and being told that there is nothing for you to do until after Christmas, is still not good enough reason for you to stay home instead of coming to work. If they're going to pay you for doing nothing, they damn well want to see you doing nothing.

* Why do people feel the need to hang wreaths on every single window and door they have on their home? Honestly, do you really need 10? Does it make you that much more festive? Or are you just flaunting how many windows you have?

* More wreaths does not make up for the lack of Christmas lights. Put up the damn lights, you lazy fuckers.

* Is it necessary to get my full name, address and phone number to buy a $4.00 wicker basket?

* It's hard to plug your iPod into the only USB port that will recognize it without a giant installation, if you wrap your computer up like a Christmas present, complete with bow.

* Decorating your desk early for the holidays will only inspire your competition to out-do you by travelling back in time to locate all rejected 70's decorations and then puking them up onto every inch of available wall, floor and desk space. It's not how nicely up put things up, it's SHEER VOLUME that counts!!

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posted by LadyLipgloss at 10:37 AM 2 LEAVE A COMMENT, BITCHES!!!

Monday, December 18, 2006


In the past week and one day, I have worked a total of 2 days and 1 hour which equals 17 hours. Half the time off was sick time and the other half was vacation. If you don't include the sick time, I don't feel too bad about missing time. Although, I can't help but think all the missed time won't be over-looked. Even though I have valid reasons for being absent on those sick days, it could be looked at as abusing the sick policy. Luckily for me, there isn't work for me to do since I am in-between projects at the moment and I wasn't really missed. So, what are ya gonna do?

Here's something funny. A friend of mine has a new kitten. He's a pretty feisty little guy that loves to get into everything and basically tries to destroy whatever he can get his paws on. Today, he tried something new that makes me feels better about my own rebellious kitty and her tub-pooping ways.

He peed in the dryer.

Note the pee puddle inside his curled tail.


posted by LadyLipgloss at 8:58 PM 2 LEAVE A COMMENT, BITCHES!!!

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Twenty Years of Suffering and the Stupid Cable Guy

So, I’ve had these migraines for 20 years. I’ve tried what seems to be everything to prevent them. I’ve changed my eating habits (no dark chocolate, no MSG…), I try not to go too long without a meal (I guess it lowers your blood sugar level and causes a migraine), I’ve tried drugs (Elovil, Imitrex, some nasal spray to keep me decongested, Propranolol, and the list goes on…) I tried tracking my migraines with my cycle but since I’ve had them since I was 7, I seriously doubt the two are related. I even get them if I cry or if I laugh too much or even if I jump around too much. And in the last few years, somehow barometric pressure has made its way into my list of triggers. And really, there is absolutely nothing I can do about that last one.

So, what do I do when I get one? Take Advil Cold and Sinus, Gravol and go to sleep with a cold pack over my face. But some days nothing helps. Some days I can’t even sleep because it hurts so much. Yesterday was one of those days. And it sucks because it hurts so bad that all I can do is sit and cry and crying makes it worse! I’d like to not have to rely on pills to get me through the day. I’d like to not have to worry about planning something with the thought in the back of my head, what happens if I get a migraine that day?

I know there are more serious things out there that people have to deal with but I still have debilitating pain at least 2-3 times a month. Sometimes they last for 3 days, though it’s usually only one day.

For those of you out there who’ve never had a migraine and only thinks it’s “a really bad headache”, you are grossly incorrect. Sure it’s a headache, but it’s a headache on one spot on your head and feels like someone is jamming a knife in and out of that spot while twisting the blade. And then you have the sensitivity to light and sound with some nausea on the side. If the migraine is brought on by a change in the weather, add severe sinus pressure into the mix. When the migraine finally subsides, my whole body is exhausted and I feel physically drained.

Good times… I was hoping that they would have come up with a solution that would work for me in preventing these migraines over 20 years, but nope. Trying something new works for a few weeks and then it’s back to the pain. The only time I was migraine free, was when I was pregnant and Jon has some reservations about me being constantly pregnant until menopause. I tend to agree with him on that point.

I haven’t really had much to write about in the last week and since I’ve had two migraines this week, I figured it was good enough. I suppose I could have written about the stupid Rogers cable installers who never come prepared to do the job required. Let’s just say it was a good thing Jon stayed home while the digital cable was being “installed” (I say “installed” because although he knew he was installing digital cable, he didn’t bring any digital terminals with him “Our office ran out of them”. Right… or when they came the first time 3 years ago to install a cable jack and didn’t bring the god damned tools to do it. Um, wtf?! ) or they’d be pulling the mangled body of the cableman out of our dumpster.

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posted by LadyLipgloss at 9:38 AM 2 LEAVE A COMMENT, BITCHES!!!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Spaghetti, Vaseline and a Bar of Soap

So, we have no groceries but I have to find something for supper. Spaghetti it is. I stick my finger in Lauren's sauce to check the temperature and I noticed that the sauce is really hard to wipe off my skin. I decide that it would be best if I stripped Lauren down to her diaper so it won't stain her clothes. It worked pretty well except that it stained her orange from her nose to her belly button. I tried to wipe her clean with face clothes but it didn't work too well, so I ran the bath instead.

I laid out some fresh clothes and all the stuff for after the bath on the coffee table so I won't be looking for things with a wet surly baby running around. Since it's getting pretty close to 7pm, I send an email to Jon to grab a cab home.

I hit send and left the kitchen to turn off the bathtub faucet. I no more than set foot into the living room when I immediately notice a problem. There's Lauren, sitting happily on the floor, elbow deep in a jar of Vaseline. "Holy crap." I pull out her little hand from the jar and it's no longer a hand but a giant gelatinous blob. She promptly begins to rub it into her right leg and sock. I pull off her socks and pick her up by the armpits careful not to get myself covered.

Now, logic as I know it decided to take a 10 and I was left helpless. What do I do? Yup, you guessed it. I soon found out that would be the worst thing I could do. I put her in the bath. I didn't even take a second to wipe the excess off. I just plopped her in. Now I don't just have a Vaseline baby, I have a Vaseline bath tub, bath toys, bath mat and the warm water did nothing but spread the goo over Lauren further. I tried her baby wash to cut the Vaseline but it really didn't do anything. Time to start from scratch, I think.

Out go the tub toys and I empty the water. Meanwhile, Jon calls to check in before he comes home and as I'm talking to him, I'm trying to wipe the ring of jelly off the tub so I can put in new water. Lauren is still crawling around the tub and much to my non-shock, chewing on a bar of Ivory soap. Yum.

Ugh, let's just say there was no need for baby lotion after the bath. At least she let me snuggle her for ten minutes after the bath while she was cozily wrapped in the towel. And if you know my kid, that's a rarity. Why snuggle when you could be doing anything else?

For those who only focused on the phone during a bath part, I put the cordless phone in the bathroom when I'm bathing Lauren so I don't have to leave her if it rings. Not that I would leave if I forgot to bring the phone in, but it bugs the crap out of me to miss a phone call.


posted by LadyLipgloss at 7:49 PM 2 LEAVE A COMMENT, BITCHES!!!

Monday, December 04, 2006

Letter to Santa

Santa Claus
North Pole, Earth

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl.
It really wasn't my fault what happened at Lenora's Office party. It was Erika who spiked the punch with too much Gin. I can't help it if I drank 13 glasses. It was so good---smelled and tasted just like Vanilla.

I thought it was funny when I put Jennie's bra on my head and danced the running man on the love seat while singing `Back that ass up'. I didn't mean to break Lenora's digital camera and don't know why Lenora would accuse me of indecent exposure.

I don't remember calling John's wife a smelly pig---even though she looked like one with blue eye shadow and black lipstick!

And when I threw up on Erika's husband's chin, it was only because I ate too much of that pie.

After all that fun, I admit I was a little tired. So I fell asleep on my way home and drove my Sonata through my neighbor's mud room. I don't think that was any reason for my neighbor to call me a old deer and have me arrested for public drunkness!

So, I sit in my jail cell on Christmas Eve, all small and tired. And I'm really not to blame for any of this stale stuff. Please bring me what I want the most---bail money!

Sincerely and hungrily yours,
Jenn (Really a nice girl!)

P.S. It's only 41 bucks!

Thanks for the link (and laugh) SJ!


posted by LadyLipgloss at 2:29 PM 2 LEAVE A COMMENT, BITCHES!!!

In Between Sizes and Seasons

Having a child stuck between sizes and trying to deal with weather that’s stuck between seasons sucks. This morning, we put Lauren in her new 18mth winter coat because it’s snowing and in the minuses. Out of habit, we also put her in a nice warm sweater, usually it’s to compensate for a thinner jacket.

The sizing saga continues with winter boots. Size 3 is just barely too small but size 4 is way too big. And it’s not even a manageable too-big. We put the 4’s on her and she keeps tripping over her feet and falling.

Once the coat and too-big boots were on, we let her go and she falls backwards. Literally, just tipped over backwards and landed flat on her back. She didn’t even bother to stop it happening and all I could do was “Awww” and pout out my bottom lip. We pick her up and try and get the “What the hell are you people doing to me?” look off her face. So, on go the sneakers and I intend on bringing the slightly too-small boots with me, so she can play outside today at least for a little bit. But I forgot. Damn.

As usual, I’m running late. This morning is a little worse though because I have to clean off the car and try to re-adjust the car seat to accommodate a thicker coat.

She looked like a little pink puffball all crammed into the car seat. She had too many layers on and she pretty much cried all the way to daycare. Poor thing, I had to undo 2 buttons down on the jacket just so I could see her little mouth, her hat was over her eyes and I had to put the hood up so she wasn’t slouched forward in the seat. But I was in a hurry this morning and didn’t take the extra minutes to make her more comfy, I just wanted her in so we could get on our way.

I promised her that the ride home tonight would be much better because I would have more time to make her comfortable. Just in case she hasn’t forgotten how horrible this morning was, I’m bringing a chocolate Timbit with me.


posted by LadyLipgloss at 10:48 AM 3 LEAVE A COMMENT, BITCHES!!!