Not The Favorite
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Spiderman, Phil Spiderman
“Is this [Corporate]?” (asked as if it’s my first name or something)
“Um, yes…” (thinking “Did you seriously just ask for the first name of the company name like it’s a person?”)
It would be like calling the Bank of Montreal and asking for “Bank”. What an idiot…
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Most people can be classified as either a rodent (mouse or rat) or a bird. Simply by looking at their face.
What the hell am I talking about? Haven't you ever seen someone and said to yourself "That lady seriously looks like a bird?", "That guy has rat teeth?" or "She's cute as a mouse?" Well, I have. Most people you can classify right away, but there are those whose just don't fit the theory. God damn anomalies....
There is no wiggle room into the rodent portion of my theory. No, that guy doesn't look more like a meerkat than a prairie dog. It's rat or mouse. My theory, my rules. Make up your own theory, ya picky bastards.
Go people watching. Go. Right now. You'll never look at people the same way.
Lobster Gravy and Elf Nuts
- On the plane ride over, they turned on "Quantum of Solace". I'm watching away and can see the Princess out of the corner of my eye. So I look over, we simultaneously take out our earbuds, and she says loudly "Are you hearing what I'm hearing?" Since I'm hearing machine guns firing, I put her earbud in for a listen and hear "MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEEYY!" And so begins the hysterical laughing.... Side note: the movie would have much better with the musical soundtrack.
- Two days later in the wee hours of the morning, I'm trying to sleep when I hear "Oh God, OH GOD!!" and see the Princess bolt upright in bed, fling a HUGE beetle from her chest onto the floor and jump up trying to stomp the thing to death. How does one go back to sleep after that??
- We had reservations to the Seafood restaurant Friday night (I think). We weren't exactly sure what the food would be like, so we went to the buffet and had a pre-supper supper. Princess had a light snack and I loaded up my plate. Like I was ever one to go easy on the food front. Anyway, we also had a few pre-supper cocktails. Which made the lobster gravy a lot easier to deal with, and by deal with I mean laugh hysterically at to the point of tears. What is lobster gravy, you ask? Well, it's listed on the menu as lobster cream but don't be fooled by the name. We thought it would be a nice bisque. Most un-bisque-like, it's brown, has the consistency of gravy and sand and has a dirty-ass lobster flavour. Oh and it's served with the worlds largest spoon so you can try and choke it down in a shorter amount of time. Or not at all in this case.
- Immediately following the delivery of the lobster gravy, they came around with a roll basket. Princess opted for the onion-parmesan-garlic something or other and I got the corn roll. Cornmeal roll you say? No. I split the roll to butter it and wasn't there a perfect little yellow kernel of corn right there staring at me. We laughed so hard at this poor little roll, I wasn't even breathing.
- Princess had warned me prior to the trip that she tended to get a lot of attention down south because of her blue eyes. She wasn't even remotely exaggerating. We went to the bar and I ordered "dos mai tais". The way the bartender looked at Sarah I thought I'd really gotten the Spanish wrong because guy just stood there staring at her. Seriously. He finally snapped out of it, got our drinks and then was all like "I love your beautiful eyes...Mi amore". Blech! Only to turn around to have some dirty old man from Paradise, NS invite her to his room "to do dirty things" to him. He also offered up his 16 year old grandson. Could be the blue eyes, or it could've been the boob-shirt. All I know is that Princess has some serious voodoo while wearing that blue top.
- Walking back to our room after a few too many, and me hurling insults very loudly about how crappy the evening show was, these ladies jogged past us. Princess was saying something and I'm off in my own little place, inserting the usual uh-huh's, but then hear "...elf nuts...". I actually go along with it for awhile but then I have to ask why she's talking about elf nuts and that I'm really confused. Then the drunken laughter begins. She actually said health nuts. From now on, health nuts, are now elf nuts.
- On the trip home, we went through some pretty rough turbulence. I have been known to get pretty bad motion sickness and although I had popped gravol pre-flight, I needed more. I only had a mouth-full of water to try and swallow that quarter-gravol in my pocket but I had to chance it. In goes the gravol, in goes the water, pill gets stuck and back out comes the water-gravol mush into my cup. I shove the cup at Princess to hold while I try and get my gum out of my backpack to rid my mouth of that disgusting bitter taste. Um, Princess has spit issues and turned as far away from that cup as possible and yells at me, right in the ear of the guy next to her, to GET THAT AWAY FROM ME OR I'M GOING TO PUKE!! I didn't see it but that guys expression must have been priceless I'm sure.
We were both was pretty excited to get home to see our babies but I am soooo ready to get my ass back under that thatched-roof hut on the beach.