Not The Favorite
Thursday, February 18, 2010
It Has Pretty Lips
Went in to Yves Rocher the other day and the sales person said "I LOVE the color of your lipstick." I told her thank you but that I wasn't wearing any.
"That's your natural lip color?? Wow."
At first I was flattered by the compliment. Now I wonder if she was just greasing me up so I would buy stuff. I guess it worked because I bought $30 worth of lotion.
"That's your natural lip color?? Wow."
At first I was flattered by the compliment. Now I wonder if she was just greasing me up so I would buy stuff. I guess it worked because I bought $30 worth of lotion.
Labels: Weird
Monday, June 29, 2009
Weirdest Trip to KFC EVER! Seriously.
Jon was wearing jammy pants and the Miramichi is sorely lacking in drive-thrus. We hadn't had lunch yet and the drive home would be a long one without a bit of a snack. We drove around for awhile and settled on KFC because it was right there. Jon refused to go in because of the jammy pants and I REALLY didn't want to. I just didn't feel like it, ok?! So I'm just saying that I don't want to go in and Jon is getting frustrated with me and I find that completely hilarious. I start laughing hysterically at him, with Lauren yelling in the back seat "I WANT TO COME IN!! I WANT TO COME IN!!" and I decide to go in before the laughing turns to crying. Lauren is still yelling at me as I'm undoing her car seat, Jon is trying to tell me what he wants and some car keeps honking the horn.
As Lauren and I are walking to the door, the car nexts to us starts honking the horn again. I turn around and some old lady is waving her arms in the air. So, I point to myself and do the "Me?" thing and lucky me, she waves me over. I pull Lauren with me and ask the lady if I could help her. She proceeds to shove a $10 at me and says, "I want a chicken dinner."
Seriously, did she just ask me to get her a chicker dinner? Did I go back in time and do I look like I'm wearing rollerskates? "You want a chicken dinner..." and she says yes but she can't go in because she left her oxygen tank at home. Oooookkkkk. From her purple skin and lips, I suppose that's a plausible story. "Uh, so what kind of chicken dinner do you want??" "Oh they'll know and have them bring it out to me." Inside, I tell the girl at the counter about the crazy old lady and she's just as confused as I am. The lady in the kitchen says this has never happened before to her, and I'm thinking, yeah I know the feeling. So put in her order and mine and Lauren is driving me crazy asking for over-priced toys. I tell her no but she insists that Daddy said she could have some. The Daddy in the car, outside, who can't hear what you're asking for? No.
She says she has to go pee, so I turn the light on in the bathroom and let her go. After a while, I wonder what's taking her so long. "Are you all done?" Yep! So I go to open the door and THUD! I whack her right in the forehead. Crap. And then I realize that the seat wasn't down on the toilet so I'm lucky she didn't fall in. After a thorough hand washing, we gather our order and I deliver the "chicken dinner" to the old bat. First she asks what she owes me... Um, moral delimma but I tell her nothing she already gave me money and she tells me to keep the change. Gee, thanks.
As Lauren and I are walking to the door, the car nexts to us starts honking the horn again. I turn around and some old lady is waving her arms in the air. So, I point to myself and do the "Me?" thing and lucky me, she waves me over. I pull Lauren with me and ask the lady if I could help her. She proceeds to shove a $10 at me and says, "I want a chicken dinner."
Seriously, did she just ask me to get her a chicker dinner? Did I go back in time and do I look like I'm wearing rollerskates? "You want a chicken dinner..." and she says yes but she can't go in because she left her oxygen tank at home. Oooookkkkk. From her purple skin and lips, I suppose that's a plausible story. "Uh, so what kind of chicken dinner do you want??" "Oh they'll know and have them bring it out to me." Inside, I tell the girl at the counter about the crazy old lady and she's just as confused as I am. The lady in the kitchen says this has never happened before to her, and I'm thinking, yeah I know the feeling. So put in her order and mine and Lauren is driving me crazy asking for over-priced toys. I tell her no but she insists that Daddy said she could have some. The Daddy in the car, outside, who can't hear what you're asking for? No.
She says she has to go pee, so I turn the light on in the bathroom and let her go. After a while, I wonder what's taking her so long. "Are you all done?" Yep! So I go to open the door and THUD! I whack her right in the forehead. Crap. And then I realize that the seat wasn't down on the toilet so I'm lucky she didn't fall in. After a thorough hand washing, we gather our order and I deliver the "chicken dinner" to the old bat. First she asks what she owes me... Um, moral delimma but I tell her nothing she already gave me money and she tells me to keep the change. Gee, thanks.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Rat-Face Bird-Lady
I have a theory. It's not to be interpreted or over-complicated. It's very simple.
Most people can be classified as either a rodent (mouse or rat) or a bird. Simply by looking at their face.
What the hell am I talking about? Haven't you ever seen someone and said to yourself "That lady seriously looks like a bird?", "That guy has rat teeth?" or "She's cute as a mouse?" Well, I have. Most people you can classify right away, but there are those whose just don't fit the theory. God damn anomalies....
There is no wiggle room into the rodent portion of my theory. No, that guy doesn't look more like a meerkat than a prairie dog. It's rat or mouse. My theory, my rules. Make up your own theory, ya picky bastards.
Go people watching. Go. Right now. You'll never look at people the same way.
Most people can be classified as either a rodent (mouse or rat) or a bird. Simply by looking at their face.
What the hell am I talking about? Haven't you ever seen someone and said to yourself "That lady seriously looks like a bird?", "That guy has rat teeth?" or "She's cute as a mouse?" Well, I have. Most people you can classify right away, but there are those whose just don't fit the theory. God damn anomalies....
There is no wiggle room into the rodent portion of my theory. No, that guy doesn't look more like a meerkat than a prairie dog. It's rat or mouse. My theory, my rules. Make up your own theory, ya picky bastards.
Go people watching. Go. Right now. You'll never look at people the same way.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
No Witty Title For This One
Happy Belated Canada Day! It's been a doozy. It's been drama, drama, drama around the Carson household since 2am last night when Jon and I heard some unusual noise.
Jon was getting into bed last night when these noises started. It sounded like things were being thrown around and I initially thought it was coming from Lauren's room, like she was chucking toys around but quickly ruled that out when we both jumped out of bed and ran into the living room. The sound was out in the hallway. Sounded to me like someone stumbling around drunk, like really drunk. Jon thought it sounded more like pounding. Well, we were both right. Then CRASH! Like someone dropped a box of dishes, then the building front door slammed and I saw a car peel out of our driveway narrowly missing a parked Jeep. I recognized the car and right away knew it was the loud girl. Jon checked out the hallway only to discover she had kicked out the glass in our landlords front door. He was out cleaning up the mess and Jon offered a hand but only left our broom in the end. We went to bed and I made a note to vacuum the hallway if the LL hadn't.
In the morning, I vacuumed the tiny leftover shards and out of curiosity looked down the stairs. No surprise, there was a trail of blood leading all the way out the door.
Fast forward to about a half hour ago. Jon was talking to the LL and found out that after the loud girl peeled out, she was completely loaded and drove head on into oncoming traffic and is now in the ICU. Well, that explains the multiple sirens we heard go by about 15 minutes after the incident last night.
Like holy shit, what do you say to that? I guess we won't have to worry about her waking Lauren up any more. No one knows why she was so pissed when she got here. Maybe we won't ever know. Not that it's my business anyway.
More drama? OK, a loved one today threatened someone with a murder/suicide and is now in the psych ward at the DECH. This person has had some issues in the past few months (or so I thought) and the second floor is the best place for him. He needs professional help and I'm glad he's there, if only he could have gone through the proper channels. Apparently last year, there was a rehab stint kept very hush hush. We only found out today. I feel so helpless for this boy. He needs love and support from the two people who stupidly don't realize he so desperately yearns for it. How do they not know they need to be there, not in a few days but NOW? Yeah he pushes you away, but I suppose it's because he doesn't think you'll stick around long enough to really care about him anyway. It's terrible but I really believe that too. I shake my head and thank god that Jon will always be by his side when he needs it.
Jon was getting into bed last night when these noises started. It sounded like things were being thrown around and I initially thought it was coming from Lauren's room, like she was chucking toys around but quickly ruled that out when we both jumped out of bed and ran into the living room. The sound was out in the hallway. Sounded to me like someone stumbling around drunk, like really drunk. Jon thought it sounded more like pounding. Well, we were both right. Then CRASH! Like someone dropped a box of dishes, then the building front door slammed and I saw a car peel out of our driveway narrowly missing a parked Jeep. I recognized the car and right away knew it was the loud girl. Jon checked out the hallway only to discover she had kicked out the glass in our landlords front door. He was out cleaning up the mess and Jon offered a hand but only left our broom in the end. We went to bed and I made a note to vacuum the hallway if the LL hadn't.
In the morning, I vacuumed the tiny leftover shards and out of curiosity looked down the stairs. No surprise, there was a trail of blood leading all the way out the door.
Fast forward to about a half hour ago. Jon was talking to the LL and found out that after the loud girl peeled out, she was completely loaded and drove head on into oncoming traffic and is now in the ICU. Well, that explains the multiple sirens we heard go by about 15 minutes after the incident last night.
Like holy shit, what do you say to that? I guess we won't have to worry about her waking Lauren up any more. No one knows why she was so pissed when she got here. Maybe we won't ever know. Not that it's my business anyway.
More drama? OK, a loved one today threatened someone with a murder/suicide and is now in the psych ward at the DECH. This person has had some issues in the past few months (or so I thought) and the second floor is the best place for him. He needs professional help and I'm glad he's there, if only he could have gone through the proper channels. Apparently last year, there was a rehab stint kept very hush hush. We only found out today. I feel so helpless for this boy. He needs love and support from the two people who stupidly don't realize he so desperately yearns for it. How do they not know they need to be there, not in a few days but NOW? Yeah he pushes you away, but I suppose it's because he doesn't think you'll stick around long enough to really care about him anyway. It's terrible but I really believe that too. I shake my head and thank god that Jon will always be by his side when he needs it.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
It'll Rot Your Brain, I Tells Ya
Actual dialogue from a phone call I had about 10 minutes ago.
Good afternoon, Big Red.
Hi, can I speak with G.K.?
I’m sorry G is no longer with this company.
Oh, Can I speak with the person in charge of telecommunications?
It’s a large company and I don’t know who that is.
Ok, well as an employee of the company I can extend this offer to you (Insert boring Rogers cellular speech) Do you have a cell phone?
No, I don’t.
Oh! (Insert more boring Rogers propaganda) So, when do you think you’d use your phone? In the day or the evening?
I don’t want to use one ever.
Oh, why is that?
Radiation.
Oh, that’s a concern but that’s more a myth and really, you eat more radiation from the food you buy.
I grow all my own food.
That’s a healthy lifestyle.
Yes, it is.
Uh…Thank you for your time. Click.
Stupid telemarketers...
Good afternoon, Big Red.
Hi, can I speak with G.K.?
I’m sorry G is no longer with this company.
Oh, Can I speak with the person in charge of telecommunications?
It’s a large company and I don’t know who that is.
Ok, well as an employee of the company I can extend this offer to you (Insert boring Rogers cellular speech) Do you have a cell phone?
No, I don’t.
Oh! (Insert more boring Rogers propaganda) So, when do you think you’d use your phone? In the day or the evening?
I don’t want to use one ever.
Oh, why is that?
Radiation.
Oh, that’s a concern but that’s more a myth and really, you eat more radiation from the food you buy.
I grow all my own food.
That’s a healthy lifestyle.
Yes, it is.
Uh…Thank you for your time. Click.
Stupid telemarketers...
Labels: Big Red, Telemarketers, Weird
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Call, Bitches!
This a real voicemail I received this morning when I got to work. I think the guy was looking for a collections agency but he got us instead.
It's pretty frigging funny.
http://media.putfile.com/Call-Bitches
It took me forever to figure out how to post this audio file, but it was worth it!
It's pretty frigging funny.
http://media.putfile.com/Call-Bitches
It took me forever to figure out how to post this audio file, but it was worth it!
Friday, July 20, 2007
Dick All
Fuck, how do you fix blogger's block?? ANYONE???? I haven't written anything remotely interesting or funny in what seems like forever. I'm pissing myself off because not only do I love to write funny things, but I also love to go back and read those funny things over and over, thinking to myself "God I'm hilarious! How do I do it??"
I'm going to have to go and stir up some shit just so I get some new material.
Last week, I was in Halifax for work. I got on the elevator to leave for the day and a guy got on the next floor down. Seemed normal enough until he wouldn't stop telling me how pretty my hair was. Gotta tell ya, it was a bit creepy being stuck in a little box for 8 floors with some freak infatuated with my hair. "Is that your natural color? It's really pretty. It suits you. I love red hair. Etc..." Reminds me of this conversation "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again."
I'm going to have to go and stir up some shit just so I get some new material.
Last week, I was in Halifax for work. I got on the elevator to leave for the day and a guy got on the next floor down. Seemed normal enough until he wouldn't stop telling me how pretty my hair was. Gotta tell ya, it was a bit creepy being stuck in a little box for 8 floors with some freak infatuated with my hair. "Is that your natural color? It's really pretty. It suits you. I love red hair. Etc..." Reminds me of this conversation "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again."
