Not The Favorite

I had a person in my life that I considered a very close friend. We shared a lot of things and kept a lot of each others secrets. I valued her friendship and I valued that we trusted each other so much.

Jon and I have had a tough year and I spent a lot of time talking to this friend. There were some negative things said about Jon on her part and whether it was said to make me feel better, or they really meant it, I took it at face value. I sat on the comment for a long time and these same comments were said again on multiple occasions whenever I was upset with Jon or my life in general. Still I let it go. Then when that friend needed my help with her problems, I offered practical advice and never made negative comments.

The more I thought about what I said to her and how she reacted to me when I was upset, the more hurt I got. The more I wondered why she didn’t value my marriage as much as I did. Maybe she did, I dunno. The point is, why was my initial reaction to her problems to fix them and hers was to throw mine away? But again, she could have just said those things to make me think things weren’t so bad. Well, I needed to work out my feelings about this, so I talked to Jon. He was pretty upset about the mean, hurtful things said about him, and rightly so. He and my friend were friends even longer than we’ve been together and so he confronted her about it.

I am now branded as a bad friend because I “betrayed her trust” by telling Jon about the things she said. Maybe I am a bad friend and there’s a secret code I broke. Instead of owning up to what was said and admitting it, she has only said that I broke her trust. She’s throwing away a friendship of over 10 years because of this. Just admit what you said, apologize and move on. I admit that I probably shouldn’t have said anything to Jon but in the end, everything else that was secret between us, still is.

But I suppose there were signs that maybe she didn’t care about me as much as I thought. I initiated the majority of contact between us. I called, I IM’d. When dad was taken to the hospital in an ambulance because his blood pressure dropped out, I confided in her that I was scared because I didn’t know what was wrong. Her response was, “oh, what else is new?” I will never forget that day. Ever. Because I was scared to death and she was so insensitive.

We haven’t spoken in weeks but I still creep her on FB to how things are. I noticed she was in an accident on Sat so I asked if she was alright and once she indicated she was ok, I replied that I was happy she was ok. I got laid off on Thursday and she hasn’t said a word to me. Nothing. She knows how tight things are in our house and what a lay off means to my family. I get it we’re in an argument, it happens but still, this is a huge deal for me. And even not talking I still managed to care enough to ask about her well being after a car accident.

Well, I’ll say it here. I cared about you, I loved you as my best friend. But your lack of compassion and selfishness has just ended any hope of reconciliation. It’s obvious you were only in it for a friend to party with. Stupid me, and I fell for it.

Labels: Friends

If you knew you were having company over, would you clean/tidy your house? Seems like a no-brainer. If I have people coming over to visit, I will do two things: tidy the living room and clean the toilet. With a toilet-trained cat, you never know what you might find. Let’s just say she’s been known to miss.

If you choose to live in filth and clutter, that’s your decision. Who am I to judge? But when I have to live a night at your home, please clean it up. At least give me a clean place to pee and brush my teeth. A friends home shouldn’t give me the skeevies, making me want to run away and take several hot showers. Honestly though, I knew it was going to be bad since we’re quite good friends but I didn’t think I would be so uncomfortable there sleeping over for one night. I’ll put aside sleeping on the world’s most uncomfortable hide-a-bed and having to use a couch cushion as a pillow because I was loaded and I would’ve slept pretty much anywhere. But getting up and ready to leave the next morning made me realize how truly yucky this place was. I can only thank the powers that be for having just a slight hangover and not having to throw up there. Oh, and ever since, I’ve been terrified that I have pinworms because one of their kids just had them. It doesn’t help that Jon knows about it and has been working very hard at making me paranoid about it. Bastard…

I really wish those crazy British ladies from “How clean is your house?” would visit New Brunswick. I would have the perfect candidates for them. I’ve been debating whether or not to post on this for a week and I may receive some backlash from this but I’m prepared to deal with that, if necessary.

Labels: Friends, Rants

I’m sick and tired of putting forth the effort in my friendships and getting nothing in return. I’ve considered myself to be somewhat anti-social because I don’t have many friends. But lately I’ve realized that I have no problem meeting people, talking to others and generally being a friendly person. I send emails and make phone calls, but it seems I never get any out of the blue. I’ll call just to say hi. I’ll send an email just because. And yet, I don’t receive any. Why? I have no idea. Is there something about me that makes people not want to talk to me? I’ve asked myself that many times and I can’t seem to find the answer.

I know people who only contact others if they need something. Well, I believe that being a friend involves more than just fulfilling a need to “get something”. I like to keep in touch with people and just see how things are going. I actually had a “friend” who never answered my calls and didn’t respond to emails. I know what you are thinking but this is also the same person who sent me an email when she found out she was a pregnant and I got an invite to her wedding. She always initiates the whole “we should get together more often” when we do manage to get together but never follows through.

Makes me angry. If you want to be my friend, make an effort. Even my current friends don’t call to say hi. Or send an email to say hi. Why do I always have to make the first contact? You’re fingers aren’t broken, but mine are done working for nothing. You want to be my friend? Fine, do something about it because I won’t any more.

This hasn’t stemmed from any incident or anything. I’ve had this problem my whole life. I ask Jon what it is about me that people don’t like and he doesn’t know, or he does and just doesn’t want to tell me. All I want is to have a close circle of friends who care about each other enough to want to talk to each other. Just because. Is that so much to ask?

There’s no way to make this sound like it means all of my friends but those who need this wake up will know who they are. Just ask yourself when the last time you initiated a conversation with me and you can either rule yourself out or realize what an ass you are.

I don’t intend for this post to make people upset with me, I just want you to realize that I’m hurt. And there are quite a few people that this applies to but will never read it.

Labels: Friends

Some excerpts of an MSN conversation with my friend Jack.

Jack - "Tell him you are really confused because you want to love Jesus, but you are lactose intolerant."

Jack - "Tell him that the Food and Drug Administration is the anti-christ because the keep changing the expiration date on your saviour."

Jack - "Ask him if he ever hears the quiet mooing that is the the love of our lord and saviour."

Jack - "The lord moves in mysterious ways - and food products apparantly. Who am I to doubt the word of the curd."

Jack - "You have to admit it would be effective. You are now re-considering making eye contact with me anymore!"

Jenn - "nope, i'll just be thinking of your odd relationship with dairy products"

Labels: Friends, Misc.