Not The Favorite
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Consider Yourself Dropped
I had a person in my life that I considered a very close friend. We shared a lot of things and kept a lot of each others secrets. I valued her friendship and I valued that we trusted each other so much.
Jon and I have had a tough year and I spent a lot of time talking to this friend. There were some negative things said about Jon on her part and whether it was said to make me feel better, or they really meant it, I took it at face value. I sat on the comment for a long time and these same comments were said again on multiple occasions whenever I was upset with Jon or my life in general. Still I let it go. Then when that friend needed my help with her problems, I offered practical advice and never made negative comments.
The more I thought about what I said to her and how she reacted to me when I was upset, the more hurt I got. The more I wondered why she didn’t value my marriage as much as I did. Maybe she did, I dunno. The point is, why was my initial reaction to her problems to fix them and hers was to throw mine away? But again, she could have just said those things to make me think things weren’t so bad. Well, I needed to work out my feelings about this, so I talked to Jon. He was pretty upset about the mean, hurtful things said about him, and rightly so. He and my friend were friends even longer than we’ve been together and so he confronted her about it.
I am now branded as a bad friend because I “betrayed her trust” by telling Jon about the things she said. Maybe I am a bad friend and there’s a secret code I broke. Instead of owning up to what was said and admitting it, she has only said that I broke her trust. She’s throwing away a friendship of over 10 years because of this. Just admit what you said, apologize and move on. I admit that I probably shouldn’t have said anything to Jon but in the end, everything else that was secret between us, still is.
But I suppose there were signs that maybe she didn’t care about me as much as I thought. I initiated the majority of contact between us. I called, I IM’d. When dad was taken to the hospital in an ambulance because his blood pressure dropped out, I confided in her that I was scared because I didn’t know what was wrong. Her response was, “oh, what else is new?” I will never forget that day. Ever. Because I was scared to death and she was so insensitive.
We haven’t spoken in weeks but I still creep her on FB to how things are. I noticed she was in an accident on Sat so I asked if she was alright and once she indicated she was ok, I replied that I was happy she was ok. I got laid off on Thursday and she hasn’t said a word to me. Nothing. She knows how tight things are in our house and what a lay off means to my family. I get it we’re in an argument, it happens but still, this is a huge deal for me. And even not talking I still managed to care enough to ask about her well being after a car accident.
Well, I’ll say it here. I cared about you, I loved you as my best friend. But your lack of compassion and selfishness has just ended any hope of reconciliation. It’s obvious you were only in it for a friend to party with. Stupid me, and I fell for it.
Jon and I have had a tough year and I spent a lot of time talking to this friend. There were some negative things said about Jon on her part and whether it was said to make me feel better, or they really meant it, I took it at face value. I sat on the comment for a long time and these same comments were said again on multiple occasions whenever I was upset with Jon or my life in general. Still I let it go. Then when that friend needed my help with her problems, I offered practical advice and never made negative comments.
The more I thought about what I said to her and how she reacted to me when I was upset, the more hurt I got. The more I wondered why she didn’t value my marriage as much as I did. Maybe she did, I dunno. The point is, why was my initial reaction to her problems to fix them and hers was to throw mine away? But again, she could have just said those things to make me think things weren’t so bad. Well, I needed to work out my feelings about this, so I talked to Jon. He was pretty upset about the mean, hurtful things said about him, and rightly so. He and my friend were friends even longer than we’ve been together and so he confronted her about it.
I am now branded as a bad friend because I “betrayed her trust” by telling Jon about the things she said. Maybe I am a bad friend and there’s a secret code I broke. Instead of owning up to what was said and admitting it, she has only said that I broke her trust. She’s throwing away a friendship of over 10 years because of this. Just admit what you said, apologize and move on. I admit that I probably shouldn’t have said anything to Jon but in the end, everything else that was secret between us, still is.
But I suppose there were signs that maybe she didn’t care about me as much as I thought. I initiated the majority of contact between us. I called, I IM’d. When dad was taken to the hospital in an ambulance because his blood pressure dropped out, I confided in her that I was scared because I didn’t know what was wrong. Her response was, “oh, what else is new?” I will never forget that day. Ever. Because I was scared to death and she was so insensitive.
We haven’t spoken in weeks but I still creep her on FB to how things are. I noticed she was in an accident on Sat so I asked if she was alright and once she indicated she was ok, I replied that I was happy she was ok. I got laid off on Thursday and she hasn’t said a word to me. Nothing. She knows how tight things are in our house and what a lay off means to my family. I get it we’re in an argument, it happens but still, this is a huge deal for me. And even not talking I still managed to care enough to ask about her well being after a car accident.
Well, I’ll say it here. I cared about you, I loved you as my best friend. But your lack of compassion and selfishness has just ended any hope of reconciliation. It’s obvious you were only in it for a friend to party with. Stupid me, and I fell for it.
Labels: Friends
posted by LadyLipgloss at 3:18 PM
4 Comments:
It's difficult when a friendship doesn't go both ways; and when your expecting more of a person than they can give. It's hard to understand why you are the one making the efforts and helping them in times of need...but they don't do the same for you.
It's about being able to accept that person as they are, and the friendship level that they offer; or moving on because you deserve better out of the people in your life and you can't accept anything less.
I find I have higher expectations of people and of myself; but i've also chosen to surround myself with people who respect me and are there for me - not just takers!
After 10 years of friendship, it will be very difficult - you'll always want to know how they are doing and if they miss you - you are a compassionate person, and that's not going to end.
Maybe they need to take ownership of their actions and maybe this is an eye opener to them of what kind of friend they've been...
That's a sticky situation because you have been friends for so long, however, nobody should ever come between a friend and their spouse. Couples shouldn't hold secrets from one another so I don't think that you are in the wrong here. People need to get over it when they say are caught saying something negative about a friend and hope that they don't get caught. I hope all works out in the end for you two.
I agree you should not keep secrets from your spouse, that is the worst thing and it will come back to bite you, after 15 years of being together I have learned that, but on the other hand you 2 maybe should have talked it over as to what to do, somethings are better left unsaid and you could have removed yourself from her and he would have just disliked her?
Sometimes that saves everyone's feelings.
There are more people out there who want to take for themselves and can't even ask you how the heck your doing when they call.
Good Luck
I am sorry to hear about this situation. I am also going thru something similar with a friend of over 10 years.
I have found that I am a better person without this "friendship" (that she burned by the way). It is hard to not talk to someone you are so use to talking to, but try to focus your attention on other friends, your family, etc. It takes adjustment, but personally I find it was a blessing in disguise.
I love reading your blog by the way. You are a fun writer.
I know I am just a random person on the internet (I found you thru TMC), but I am sorry you were laid off. If you end up moving out west, I live in San Diego, email jolover@gmail.com. I'd totally be your friend!
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