Not The Favorite

**Last night, Miz Lauren wrote out all her own Valentine’s Day cards. She wrote all the kids names by herself, with a little help from mama of course. I showed her the letters she was unsure of but mostly she did it on her own. She even wrote her teachers name and told me not to help. She’s so grown up!!

**This morning, I asked Jon to “find something R-E-D” for Lauren to bring to color show and tell. Didn’t the little bugger say “how about dragon?” I didn’t mention anything about show and tell or toy and she understood what I spelled out! I grabbed the red dragon she was talking about and put it in her bag. I was so happy but I realize this is the end of spelling things out now.

**Ever get shocked in the ear? I have. Four times this morning. I was getting some Purolator packs ready with my headphones on and they were so full of static electricity that some how when I moved the packs, it sent a nice shock to my EAR. Thought it was a fluke and kept going. Shocked again. Got irritated but I really wanted to listen to my music so I kept going. ZAP! Third times the charm and I rip out my head phones. Do a couple of packs without music and decide maybe I’ll try one more time. ZAAAPPP!! Ahhh!! And then I started laughing hysterically.

Labels: Clumsy, Lauren

Yesterday was one of those days. I had the dark cloud following me everywhere, my boss seemed to think I gave all the electronics in the office pink eye. No, I don't have pink eye, my eye was just irritated and red that day. Anyway, so my work computer crashed last week and I've been using my home laptop to bridge the gap to when my new computer would be ready. I was trying to find a key to unlock some data recovery software I was using to recover my files off my crashed hard drive when BAM!!!! I got hit with a MASSIVE virus.

So, I spent hours trying to clean my laptop only to discover upon rebooting that I can no longer log in to XP. At. All. No Normal mode, not even any type of Safe mode. I was super excited about this revelation. In fact, I was so happy I almost started crying right there. Ahhh but everything is ok. Sort of. I used another computer to try and find a solution to this problem and found that this has happened to numerous people before me and there are fixes out there. If only I could find that XP cd... Recovery Console - Here I come!

On to the evening. I was opening a package of ridiculously bright eyeshadow for Lauren to play with. I used scissors to cut open the plastic packaging and when I tried to put them away, I managed to stick my middle right finger between the blades and snip! Yeah, felt awesome. Good thing we have a large stock of bandaids...

So I decided to do something a bit more domestic and clean out our deacons bench where all the hats, mitts and scarves are. Damn there is a lot of stuff crammed into that tiny little box. So I'm sorting away and I happen across this little Ariel figurine. I toss it on the floor and keep on organizing my bench. Lauren called me over to help her with something and don't I step on that damn Ariel figurine and do a face plant right on the floor between Lauren's chair and the rocking chair. I'm talking full on limbs-flailing-not-sure-if-you're-gonna-fall-but-then-yup-you-fell type of eating dirt. At least I didn't break a bone and Jon wasn't home so he couldn't laugh at my dumb ass.

I was going to go to the gym but thought today would probably be the day that I get distracted and fly off the treadmill. I was also going to go to Erica's but driving seemed a bit too risky what with the other people on the road.

So I decided that I should just stop doing anything and plunk myself on the nice cushy couch where it was safe.

Labels: Big Red, Clumsy, Rants

What the hell is wrong with me?? I am a walking disaster. I was getting ready to wash my hands and turned on the water in the sink. I was taking off my rings when one of them dropped into the sink. I acted on impulse because we don't have a catch on our drain and I didn't want to lose my engagement ring... again. So, I stick my hand in the sink only to be met with SCALDING HOT WATER. What do I do? I said OW!, saw the ring still circling in the sink and stick my hand back in to get it. OWWW!!! Missed the ring and had to go in a third time to catch it. OWWWWW!!!

God damn it that was hot effing water. My hand is throbbing and burning but at least the ring is safe. For now...

Labels: Clumsy

I really shouldn't be allowed to own, operate or maintain any type of heavy duty machinery or appliance. Monday night, I managed to set my stove on fire. Twice. I had made some pudding Sunday night and it overflowed while in the boiling stage and I didn't clean up underneath the burner. So, when we tried to make supper on Monday night, Sunday night's pudding set aflame. Stupid me thought it was a great idea to pour a bit of water on to put it out. It wasn't a grease fire, but the fire was on the aluminum liner underneath the scalding hot burner. Cold water + white hot element = well, I was lucky this time not to have it explode.

The apartment was full of smoke and Lauren was pretty scared because the first fire wasn't little. We opened up all the windows and got the fan out to push out the smoke. And I'm standing there watching this thick smoke and wondering shouldn't there be some type of alarm going off here? We've always just assumed there was some sort of built in fire/smoke alarm in the building. Perhaps we should ask the LL about that one.

And then it happened again 10 minutes later. Just a small one this time, but still enough to scare Lauren. Whenever you turned on a burner, any burner, it smoked. So, we managed to finally get supper completed (so not worth the effort btw) and I banished the use of the stove until further notice.

Last night, I kicked the crap out that stove. I busted out the gloves and steel wool and got to scrubbin'. I don't think in the 4 years we've lived there, we've ever really cleaned the stove. I mean I'd clean the top of it when it got dirty, but never the burner insets, the elements, or under the range. Last night, it got a thorough clean. And I got some ugly ass burner covers so nothing gets splattered on the elements when we're cooking.

I swear if I see one lick of smoke come from the stove tonight, (shaking fist (shake harda boy!! - impound lot guy from the simpsons))

Labels: Clumsy

What would be the one part of your body that would totally suck if it got burned?

According to the Princess, it's your arse.

Ok, how about the second worst part then?

Well folks, I just burned my boobies. Yep, you read the correctly. I managed to burn my chest whilst making chicken soup about 15 mins ago. How the hell did I do that? I was trying to break a part a solid mass of chicken thighs in boiling hot broth with a spoon. Most of them came apart pretty easily except the last two. So, I pushed with all my might and SPLASH! The spoon ended up pulling towards me and scooping/splashing broth directly on my chest. There is even a drip line of burn down the inside cleavage of my left boob.

So here I sit typing with a cold pack on my chest, wondering how a magic bag could feel so damn prickly.

I suck and should no longer be allowed near anything hot. Also, I should really stop cooking in tank tops.

Labels: Clumsy, Cooking

I have a problem.

In the past month, I have hit my forehead on 1) the dishwasher 2) the front closet and just now 3) my desk. I have also hit my head on the car several times while putting Lauren into her car seat.

I really need to start paying attention.

Labels: Clumsy

Last week, Lauren threw on her Dunphy genes and tripped over her own feet landing face first on our front door. Welcome first black eye. I have to tell you, it was one of the fastest swelling and hugest goose eggs I had ever seen. This thing inflated like a balloon right in front on my eyes. I put my shoes and changed her diaper because I was sure that when Jon got home from getting coffee, we'd be off to the hospital. Check with the Princess, I was freaking out.

So when Jon came home I showed him our poor baby's head and asked if we should go to the hospital. So matter-of-factly he said, Jenn it's a bump. She'll be fine.

Not so convinced, I called Telecare and they told me everything would be fine. And told me to check on her before I went to sleep but instead, Lauren slept with Mommy that night (Side note: she kicks, punches and snores in her sleep.) Jon got the couch. Teach you to be calm...

Big Red has been much more frustrating lately. Normally, I am not one to gossip about co-workers. But really people, how hard is it to write something down instead of asking me for the millionth freaking time who's teaching the #@$# at the end of Sept??? I got an email this morning asking me about it, AGAIN, and I wrote this hugely nasty email in reply (something about Alzheimer's patients and senility). Then hit the cancel button and replied with the persons name.

And when we tell you that No, I wouldn't be ok with letting you start "helping" me with instructors. I mean it. Stop looking. You are only creating more work for me by making me double back over your "work." I'll tell you when I need help. I'm not overwhelmed, and please stop telling me that I am. Don't rock my boat because you're nervous about our upcoming busy season. I have shit under control. Thanks.

Labels: Big Red, Clumsy, Lauren

In the last week, I have managed to have 3 household mishaps that make me want to stop touching and doing anything for fear that the next mishap may very well 1) kill/maim me or 2) cost a whole lot to fix.

Last Thursday, I had a complete brain fart and threw my new white blouse in the washing machine with my new black pants. Yes, I know I’m an ass. I have no idea what the hell I was thinking. The blouse came out a nice dingy gray color, but the pants looked fantastic. I’m fairly certain the pants had a smirk on them when I took them out and if they could talk, they most likely would have said “Ha ha. That’ll teach you.” After two rounds of gel bleach and one round of normal bleach, mixed with normal detergent cycles in between, I ended up with a slightly yellowed version of the brilliant blouse I loved and had only worn twice before. I’m still kicking myself in the ass for that one. That was one of the few times in my life where I really wished I had a time machine.

On to Saturday afternoon. The bathroom desperately needed to be cleaned so I sent Jon out to get some toilet bowl cleaner. I was disappointed to find he returned with Saniflush, you know the kind that turns your toilet into the blue lagoon and every time you use it you flash back to your grandparents’ house. Regardless, the toilet needed to be cleaned so I decided to go ahead and use it. Turns out, my rounded-front toilet tank wouldn’t have any part of that horrid blue liquid I was about to shove in it. Because of its rounded shape, all of the mechanics inside were squished together and there wasn’t any space to put the damn bottle in and on top of that there was a lip on the inside so the bottle wouldn’t sit flush (haha) to the side making it impossible to put the top back on properly. I tried flushing to see what would happen and didn’t the lever get stuck on the damn bottle. So much for that plan and I had to remove the bastard blue bottle. I somehow had to transfer the bottle to the sink where I could replace the cap, because doing it over the tank would have been much too easy. In the process of moving the bottle and replacing the cap, I dyed my fingers blue. They are still blue, like Chevy Chase Vegas Vacation blue.

And then last night. I broke my dryer. I was trying to fish a piece of Lauren’s overalls out of the lint trap with a magnetic chip clip attached to dental floss. Well, the trap was a wee bit deeper than I thought it was, not that it mattered with the ten feet of floss I used. Now, the deepness of the trap wasn’t much of a concern, it was when the magnet stuck itself to the side and then got caught on something that I became concerned. I pulled on the floss and it came out. Without the magnet. Crap. Out of sheer curiosity, I turned on the dryer to see what would happen. The most god-forsaken, ear-splitting, groaning/screaming noise emitted itself from that poor machine. I immediately turned it off and decided that for the safety of myself and the other appliances, who I’m sure were cowering with fear as I walked into the kitchen to tell Jon what an ass I was, that I would just stop doing anything and avoid all eye contact with the dryers buddies: washing machine, dishwasher, stove and refrigerator. I will call the repair man tonight to come and fix you and tell you that he won’t let that awful woman touch you again.

Labels: Clumsy