Not The Favorite
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Welcome to LadyTown
No more kids for us, thank you very much. I told the nurse at the doctors office during my yearly appointment that we decided one is enough and that I wanted a more permanent, but not permanent, solution other than birth control pills. I also told her I didn’t want periods anymore and that I’d rather live without my uterus (joking but completely serious). When the doctor came in, he said “So you want to be sterilized.” Jeez, when you put it THAT way, not really. He told me to go see my gyno and since I already had an appointment there for something else, I said “Sure!”
A few weeks later, I met with my gyno and we decided to go with the Mirena IUD because it has hormones in it that will pretty much stop me from having periods for the next 5 years. Sweet!! Oh and no babies. Yay! She wrote me up a prescription and made an appointment to have it put it two weeks later. She also told me to take an Advil prior to my appointment as there may be some discomfort. Sounds good, I say!
After some discussion with my insurances companies, I go to get my IUD from the pharmacy. And sweet merciful crap! For something that's supposed to fit in my tiny uterus, the box was HUGE! I’m talking a foot-long-no-where-near-discreet box. It was a bit intimidating and I got a little scared.
Fast forward to D-day. About an hour before my appointment, I pop three Advil instead of the recommended one. I have a high tolerance, ok?? I get there, wait about a half hour and then get called into a room. The doctor opens the big ass Mirena box and shows me that only a tiny portion is the actual IUD and the rest is the applicator. Yup, a foot-long applicator. Nice. She leaves so I can get undressed and while she’s out there, I overhear her saying she’s been having contractions all day and she’s 4cm dilated. Did I mention she’s enormously pregnant and due that week? I’m pretty sure my appointment was her last for a few months at least.
I’m all set to go when she comes back in, and we get started. I’m getting woozy just thinking about all this. Seriously.
First she makes sure that my cervix is dilated enough by poking me with a long plastic stick. A little uncomfortable, but nothing more that my yearly pap. Then she makes sure she can reach the top of my uterus with that stupid stick. OUCH! Didn’t quite reach all the way. Better try again. FUCKING OUCH! Ah yes, everything is good. She puts in the IUD and …
MOTHER OF GOD!! I’m practically HALLUCINATING the pain is so excruciating. I swear, I thought someone was stabbing me repeatedly in each hip. And even though I couldn’t see them stabbing me, I sure as hell wanted to choke them! The doctor kept asking me if I was ok. Uh, NO I’m NOT ok! Does it look like I’m ok?!?! As I’m writhing on the table trying to strangle the air.
Did you know there is a nerve that goes from your uterus directly to your heart? Apparently, by shoving plastic in there and causing a whole lot of pain, your heart slows down thereby causing a person to faint. My doctor is trying to explain this to me while I’m trying not to faint. Thanks for the lesson! The more you know…
Oh and the Advil? Who are you trying to fool people?? Some Vicodin would have been MUCH more appreciated, and called for.
Eventually the pain starts to dissipate and I tell her I’m fine to get dressed. But she waits outside the curtain in case I faint. I walked out to the waiting room to meet Jon and as I’m walking I could see at least 2 nurses and my doctor watching me like a hawk. Jon looked at me and asked “What the hell did they do to you in there?” Guess, I didn’t look so good. By the time I reached him, I was seeing stars and had felt the blood drain completely from my head and into my feet. I sat down and the nurse got me another chair so I could stretch out, she also got me a cold cloth for my head. Lauren was there waiting for me, too, and she felt it important to ask me over and over again for a lollipop. At that moment, she could have asked for a Mercedes and a million dollars in small unmarked bills and I would have complied. I laid there for about 10 minutes until I felt confident that I could make it to the car without passing out.
That night is just awful. Absolutely awful. The cramping is intense. I was not prepared for how much it would hurt while it settled in there. I’m taking four advil every 3 hours and all I can do is lay on the couch with a heating pad. I even go to sleep with it on and then bring it to work with me the next day. Even though the next day the cramps are still pretty uncomfortable, it’s bearable.
That’s my lady parts story. It’s been about 3 weeks now and I don’t even think about it anymore. And I won’t for another 5 years. Though I wonder if it’s less painful the second time around…