Not The Favorite

I Should Have Known To Stay At Home Today Because Here Come The 'Tards!

2011-12-27T15:31:00.001-04:00

Lauren and I went to see Chip Wrecked today at the theatre and overall, it was a pretty good movie. Lauren had a great time and I enjoyed seeing her love it.

But holy hell people. Did the fucktards come out en mass today??

Some guy came in with at least a dozen kids and picks the two rows ahead of us, which is totally fine but doesn't he pick the ONE seat directly in front of Lauren to sit in?? So I switched seats with her so she could see. Not a huge deal deal, but really?? You saw her sitting there with me on one side and an empty seat on the other and you pick the one in front of her?

Then a woman decided she wanted the empty seats in our row (which by the way, were almost at the other end of the row) and proceeds to knock over some kids popcorn and just keep going. Then she comes back out and knocks over another girls drink, who was sitting next to me. She turns around and says oops then keeps going. What a bitch! So I asked the girls (rhetorically, of course) if it would be alright if I went to get them a new drink because that lady was very rude. They started to say no, but I insisted. I still can't believe that douche bag didn't even offer an apology. When I got back, the girls were very nice and I made sure to warn them to watch their drinks when yet another person almost knocked them over.

The next person who wanted in our row wanted the one empty seat next to me and the two empty seats next to the girls beside me. She asked me if I thought they would mind moving over, so I told her that she should really ask them and not me.

Then the movie starts up and some baby starts screaming. Not crying, screaming. For ten minutes, until finally the manager came and asked them to leave. What kind of dink parent doesn't think to leave for the sake of the rest of the people who paid to watch a movie, not listen to your devil spawn scream bloody murder, probably because you chose to sit in the FRONT row with an infant??

And lastly, the projection room left it's florescent light on, the whole effing time. WHY????

It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses A Finger

2011-11-18T09:49:00.000-04:00

Around this time of year, Lauren starts ice skating on a monthly basis with her after-school program. She loves to skate and sometimes I wish I could go with her. But then I remember that I don't own skates and I hate being cold.

I have this fear about Lauren skating. I keep picturing her falling down and then someone skating over her little fingers, severing them.

It gives me the heebies AND the jeebies.

I know there is an extremely tiny chance that this would ever happen but I still think about it. A lot. And it turns my stomach each time.

I really wish they sold thermal insulated chainmail mittens.

Attitude Isn't Just for Home Use

2011-11-16T15:20:00.000-04:00

$20 just to type in 11 characters?? That's ridiculous! No, do not make this change.

Let me know if you waive this absurd fee and I'll change it then.

Jennifer Carson
-----------------------------
Date: Wed, 16 Nov 2011 13:33:39 -0400
From: customer.service@bellaliant.ca
To: jldoucet
Subject: Fw: Phone Services

Hello Jennifer,

Thank you for contacting Bell Aliant,
We have received your email and appreciate that you have taken the time to write to us. We can certainly make that change for you. However, before we do, we would just like to make you aware of the $20 charge to have the change done to the directory listing. Do you still want us to make this change?If you have any further questions or inquiries feel free to contact us again.
Thank you for choosing Bell Aliant. We appreciate your business.

Have a great day!
Sandra Lc21384
E-Contact Agent
Bell Aliant - Your Bundles Expert
---------------------------
From: jldoucet
To: Customer Service Customer.Service@aliant.ca
Sent: Wed, 16 Nov 2011 17:15:53 +0000
Subject: Phone Services

Name Jennifer Carson
Residential Phone 506 454-####
Message:

Please change my directory listing from
CARSON J

to

CARSON Jennifer&Jon

Please respond via email.

This Long Long Weekend Needs Something... Ah yes, Alcohol.

2011-11-14T15:48:00.001-04:00

This past weekend seemed to be the epitome of “long” weekend. And I think I need another one to spend entirely by myself to make up for it.

Friday, I started the day off by taking care of Jon and cleaning up his puke covered jacket. (He had a fun night at some dude’s birthday party) I gave him a cold glass of water, Advil, Gravol and a cold Magic Bag. He told me that I take better care of him then he does me when I’m hungover. I told him that I knew and it was because I loved him. Did I mention it was supposed to be MY day to sleep in? Right…

Lauren went out for a play date around 3pm and I called at 7 to see if she wanted to come home. Nope, not yet. She called an hour later to come and pick her up. When I get there, she’s obviously tired and crawls her way to the door. Something is wrong and I’m surprised no one called me sooner. She was weak, had an upset tummy and a headache. I carry her upstairs, get in the door and call to Jon that I need his help now. And when he slowly starts to get up, I yell, I need help NOW! I just wanted him to get her shoes and jacket off so I could put her right into bed. I grab the thermometer only to discover she’s got a fever, too. Later that night, I asked Jon to change the water bottle and the garbage.

Side note: Why the hell does Jon NEVER DO ANYTHING QUICKLY when I need him to, no matter how urgent I indicate it to be?? The goddamned house could be on fire and he'd either just saunter in OR assume I had it under control and continue doing whatever it is he's doing.

Moving on...

Saturday, Jon goes to work and Lauren wakes up still feeling horrible. High fever, headache, backache, throat hurts. So I decide to take her to the doctor and since the wait times are long at the clinics, we trek up to the Oromocto ER. My mom came with me to keep me company and Lauren proceeded to sleep on me almost the entire time. In fact, she slept on the couch before mom got there and the whole car ride, too. And if you know my kid, you know that this is COMPLETELY out of character for her. Anyway, the doctor (Dr Handsome, as I call him) thinks it’s a UTI so he gives us a prescription for amoxicillin and tells me he’ll check in with us in 48hours after the cultures for her urine test have come back.

On the way home, Lauren said something to me but I didn’t know what, so I just said mmhmm only to turn around a second later to see that she’s vomiting all over herself. My mom is FA-REAKING OUT trying to get a plastic bag I use as a garbage bag off the arm rest, but it’s attached so she’s panicking. As I’m pulling over, I just tell Lauren that it’s ok and to just let it out. Mom finally frees up the bag and Lauren finishes puking in it. Once the car stops, I jump out and rush to Lauren and realize MUCH too late that I had placed my purse at her feet and she’s just thrown up alllllll over it. At least the pockets were closed but still, it’s time for a new one. She’s thrown up all over her booster and the seat, too. Once we get home, I clean all that up as Lauren rests on the couch.

FYI, the water and garbage were not changed. It’s hard to keep a girl hydrated with no water. Just sayin.

I still have to pick Jon up at 5. And when I get Lauren back into the car, settled and instructed to puke into the thermal coffee mug I found in the car, I notice there are a couple of guys walking into the parking lot. I assumed Laurie was having guests so I didn’t think too much of it until one of the guys stops at my car window. This guy is wearing a nice black suit/tuxedo. So I rolled down the window and he asks me if I could do him a big favor. His truck ran out of gas and he and his buddy are supposed to be attending a wedding very soon up at Kingswood. Could I possibly drive them to his house to get another vehicle to go get gas? And I said sure! (I'm feeling risky...) But I could only take one of them. (I left out the reason was because my back seat was recently covered in vomit.) So I drove the older man to his house about 2 minutes up the street and he was very appreciative. Went to get Jon and everything was fairly quiet for the rest of the night.

Sunday morning, the water and garbage are finally changed. And I get a phone call from the ER doctor checking to see how Lauren was doing. I seriously couldn’t believe how nice this doctor was. The cultures weren’t back yet, he just wanted to check in. I love you Dr. Dickinson and if you’re willing to change the water bottle and garbage when I ask you, I’ll make a swap right now. Seriously.

Anyway, the afternoon came and it was time to get groceries. This is where the weekend really came to a head. (The "you" is Jon)

You’re mad at me because I dare look into the shopping cart and ask why you want $12 of chowder mix. I never told you to put it back. I never even mentioned it again. I simply asked a question. In fact, I was excited to eat the seafood chowder that night.

You’re mad because I don’t want to pay $5 for a single Lunchmate and suggest the 2/$5 ones instead.

I asked if you wanted to go down certain aisles and you answer no, so I ask you if you’re on a health kick, again you say no.

In the car, I ask why you’re upset and you tell me it’s because you feel like you can’t get anything you want at the grocery store.

I tell you to go screw yourself and you can do the shopping all by yourself next time. Where the hell are MY splurge items?? Oh right, there aren't any!

Back story: The last time we went grocery shopping, Jon decided to go on a snack spree. So he piles the cart full of fixings for guacamole and bacon wrapped scallops, and grabs a box of mini beef wellingtons. We’re not made of money and have a grocery budget so I asked if we really needed all this food for one night. He got pissy then, too. I should point out that nothing got put back. We bought everything in the cart.

Monday morning, I asked Jon if he remembered to give Lauren her antibiotics and he said no. (He rarely remembers) So he gave them to her and I put down the syringe on the coffee table so I could continue doing her hair. I asked him to rinse it out. Twice. And he told me he didn’t know what I was talking about. So I said forget it! I’ll do it myself and he said, ohhhh.

I’m heading down to the car carrying my non-vomit purse, Lauren’s backpack, her skates to be sharpened, a booster seat and car keys. At this point, I’m just so... exasperated at everything that happened over the weekend, that the sight off Jon’s red D&D backpack where Lauren’s booster seats goes, just throws me over the edge and I throw everything on the ground and yell God Damn It!

I just want to sit down, point to everyone and say fuck you and fuck you and fuck you. And especially fuck you to you.

I May Cry on the Stand

2011-10-27T12:08:00.000-03:00

Well, I have to go to court because I complained about that asshole with the megaphone. I am being called as a witness and the asshole is going to represent himself. People have been sending me excerpts from his blog that reference the case. Knowing that I'm the one complaining from the TD Tower, he assumes I'm a banker and has made fun of my statements. He tried quoting one part of my statement and screwed it up, making it look like I'm an idiot. But I'm pretty sure he's doing that on purpose. This is all very irritating because he hasn't mentioned any other witness's statement or place of work.

The trial is tomorrow and I have this sneaky suspicion he's going to pick on me. I hate being made to look stupid and I feel like this is exactly what he's going to try and do.

I'm not looking forward to my first experience with the judicial system.

I Am My Fathers Daughter aka Shit-Disturber Genetics

2011-08-24T12:43:00.000-03:00

There has been a certain someone protesting in front of the police station, which happens to be right across the street from my office, for the last few weeks, yelling about our city’s corrupt and unjust policing. I have no issue with anyone protesting but this guy is using a megaphone. It’s so loud in here that my boss has been working out of an office on the other side of the building because he can’t concentrate for all the yelling. We assumed that if the police could do something to stop it, they would have done it already.

So yesterday, upon discovering that the police can’t do anything without a complaint from the public, I made a call to the police to register my complaint. Dude was pretty irritated when the nice police officer came to inform him of the complaint. Lots of pointing and arm shaking. I got lots of high fives around the office for making the call. Everyone has been pretty annoyed with this guys megaphone.

He’ll be back for sure, he's already said so, but I will make a call every time he uses the megaphone and that will add another $250 in fines which will make him want to protest more. Vicious cycle but I’m willing to stick it out if he is.

And then the earthquake happened. Shortly before 3pm, I’m sitting at my desk and a coworker asks me if I can feel the building moving. So I stop everything and sure enough, it is. Not like it usually shakes when a big truck goes by or when there’s construction. It’s swaying back and forth. So it goes away and then comes back and I hear noises I really don’t like, so I say “I’m going for a walk!” and she and I bolt outside. Practically running outside. No one else, except one other lady, came out of the building until the fire alarm went off. When everyone finally came out, we trickled over to our emergency meeting place where we proceeded to have post-earthquake drinks on their patio. :)

I AM NOT NICOLE PRICE!! Fuckers...

2011-06-14T14:38:00.003-03:00

A few months ago, I got a new LG cell phone and we activated it through Koodo. It's been pretty good so far. I rarely use it for calling people but I text like a MOFO. The number I got was recycled which was pretty evident from almost day 1. I have been receiving collections calls for one Nicole Price, who obviously had my cell number before me and skipped out on some bills.

I have spoken to numerous reps from this collections agency and it finally boiled over yesterday when a rep left a voicemail for ME, not Nicole. It went something like, "Jennifer, I don't know if you know Nicole but if you do, please get her to contact us and if you have any further information to call."

I left a VERY angry voicemail for that rep and decided that I needed to something more than just play phone tag with these people. I went to their company website and sent an email addressed to all the email addresses I could find on the website. Here it is for your reading pleasure. I sent a "Thank you" after the last email.

----------------------------------------------------------
From: Jennifer Carson
Sent: Tuesday, June 14, 2011 8:03 AM
To: Joe Di Nunzio; Steve Miller; John Kim;
Subject: Donovan Delaney
Importance: High

Good Morning,

My name is Jennifer Carson. I have had the displeasure of receiving phone calls on my cell phone from your lovely organization. Sadly though, the person you are calling for no longer has this cell phone number, I do. The phone number in question is 506-260-#### and you have that number linked to a delinquent account under the name Nicole Price. The representative that calls me is Donovan Delaney and he left me a reference number 474####. I have told him that I am NOT Nicole Price, that I do not know who this person is, other that receiving countless collections calls for her and to remove this number from your file. Unfortunately, I received another phone call last night from Donovan. And in that phone call, he had the audacity to use MY name in reference to HER collections file, asking if I know her and that if I have any further information to call him.

As you can see, we have a problem. I have left a voicemail with Donovan this morning indicating AGAIN that I do not know Nicole and that I have repeatedly told your company to remove my phone number from your information and that if I receive another phone asking for Nicole Price that I will be filing harassment charges against your company.

I understand that you are just trying to collect on a debt, but I can assure that you do indeed have the wrong person and there is no way in HELL that I am going to pay for someone else’s debt. I can only assume Donovan thinks I am lying and that I will eventually give myself up and pay you. This is COMPLETELY FALSE.

I can not say this any more clearly than:

YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER, I AM NOT NICOLE PRICE.

What more do I have to do for you to stop harassing me for someone else’s debt???

What you are doing is wrong and a waste of my time and yours. I expect these phone calls to stop IMMEDIATELY.

Jennifer Carson
-----------------------------------------------------------
From: Steve Miller
Sent: Tuesday, June 14, 2011 10:06 AM
To: Jennifer Carson
Cc: John Kim
Subject: RE: Donovan Delaney

Good Morning Ms. Carson,

We acknowledge receipt of your e-mail communication to us and we would like to take this opportunity to thank you for taking the time to write us. We have investigated this matter and as a result, have removed your number from our database therefore; you should no longer receive calls from our office regarding a Nicole Price.

We apologize for any inconvenience we may have caused you as a result of this and I hope you will pardon this experience.

Regards,

Steve Miller
Vice President Quality Assurance & Compliance
Credit Bureau of Canada Collections
-----------------------------------------------------------
From: Jennifer Carson
Sent: Tuesday, June 14, 2011 10:06 AM
To: Steve Miller
Cc: John Kim
Subject: RE: Donovan Delaney
Importance: High

Thank you Mr Miller. I appreciate your prompt attention to this matter.

Jennifer Carson
----------------------------------------------------------
From: Jennifer Carson
Sent: Tuesday, June 14, 2011 10:41 AM
To: Steve Miller
Cc: John Kim
Subject: RE: Donovan Delaney
Importance: High

Hello Mr Miller,

I wanted to let you know that I just received a call from 1-877-340-8103. I did not pick up the phone and there was a voicemail indicating that a Nicole Price should call the provided toll free number regarding an urgent message. This time it was a mix of a woman’s voice and an automated system.

UNACCEPTABLE.

What are you planning to do to resolve this?

Jennifer Carson
---------------------------------------------------------
From: Steve Miller
Sent: Tuesday, June 14, 2011 10:52 AM
To: Jennifer Carson
Cc: John Kim
Subject: RE: Donovan Delaney

Ms. Carson,

Our apologies, this was an automated call that was already set up for calling prior to me removing your number from our database this morning. I can assure you no further calls will be placed to this number.

I appreciate you advising me of this.

Regards,

Steve Miller
Vice President Quality Assurance & Compliance
Credit Bureau of Canada Collections

Driving Me to Kill, Panini-Style

2011-06-09T14:01:00.001-03:00

Oh. My. God. I don’t know what kind of sick game the stupid café is playing with me… Arg!! I am so frustrated!!

I reluctantly went to the café downstairs because I really didn’t want to go out to get something for lunch. I really hate that place and today's experience was no different. I get there and there’s no special. No big deal but everything looks packed up even though they’re clearly open for business. I asked her for a panini but since everything is shut and there’s no freaking menu, I have no idea what my options are. I ask her what kind she has and she says meat and vegetables. Gee, I guess I’ll take “meat”. I ask what kind of meat. And I pick chicken breast. She has to go out back for every item in my sandwich, EXCEPT for the wrap. Seriously. AND she goes to put in on the Panini press and it’s not on, and hasn’t been ALL DAY.

ARG I hate that place so effing much!!!!

Jon’s car STILL has not been fixed, moved or touched. It's been three effing weeks. THREE. WEEKS!!
We've been trying to get mine done for a couple of weeks now, too. Jon has driven me to work at least three times so that the car could go into the shop. We make appointments to get the work done and every time we get bumped because they're "too busy" Um, isn't that the point of making APPOINTMENTS?? This time, they at least ordered the parts and so I called Jon a few minutes ago to check in and the car hasn’t been touched yet. He told Laurie if it hasn’t gone in by 2 then to forget it because it wouldn’t be done in time to pick me up at 5.

This is fucking RE-TAR-DED. I understand being busy but just because we're your tenants, doesn't mean we can be pushed around. We're paying customers just like everyone else. Next time we need repairs, I'm taking my business elsewhere. If the other car was driveable, it would already be at another garage.

SCREEEAAAM!!!

You Have Colon Cancer. SNAP!

2011-06-07T13:45:00.004-03:00

I walked in on a conversation today in the lunchroom and realized fairly quickly that today is one of those days that I can’t be in the same room as the Office Know-It-All.

I won’t get into the conversation, only that I took away the knowledge that she thinks training a cat is as simple as spraying it with water and saying “No!” Anyone who’s ever owned a cat knows that you CANNOT TRAIN a cat. The cat is more likely to do what you want because it damn well feels like it, not because it has to. This lady has two cats.

And then from another co-worker I hear “this may be a dumb question but do women have colons?” It’s a good thing my back was turned to conceal my eyeballs rolling back into my brain.

This led to a conversation about colon cancer. And The Office Know-It-All has cleared up so MANY things for me. This is what I learned:

- That colon cancer is spread from the prostate. Or not… But maybe.
- That colon cancer mainly affects men.
- And that colon cancer is more prevalent in gay men due to the lesions. (I assume butt lesions from all that gay man butt sex)

Um, I’m pretty sure you have your “facts” mixed-up crazy lady. Now I can’t confirm nor deny the first two points but I’m fairly certain you’re thinking about HIV in that third point there…

This is the same lady who told me I was lying and wrong when discussing declawing cats. I told her that it’s not just simply removing the claws but ten individual amputations.

She also said that she would never wear red because growing up, she was told that “sluts and whores” wore red. She came to work a couple of months later wearing bright red pants.

Shit Towel

2011-06-01T20:18:00.002-03:00

Just when you think you know someone, they shit on a towel on the bathroom floor, move the towel to cover it up and walk away like they totally didn't just shit on the floor. THEN watch you unknowingly pick up said shit towel only to have the shit fall on the floor one piece at a time like shit rain. Fuck you, cat. Fuck. You.

Abbott and Costello Reincarnate

2011-04-20T10:35:00.000-03:00

I swear Lauren was channeling 1940’s sketch comedy yesterday on the way home from afterschool. Every Tuesday, they go swimming and she had gotten into trouble for using her towel as a skipping rope on the pool deck. She fell on her butt and her towel landed in the pool.

All I wanted was for her to tell me what happened in her words. The following conversation ensued:

Lauren, what happened today at the pool?
I just wanted to skip. That’s all.
Ok, but what exactly happened?
I’m not lying. I’m telling the truth.
I didn’t say you were lying, what happened to get you in trouble at the pool?
I just wanted to skip.
Yes, I know you wanted to skip. Why did you get into trouble?
I’m NOT lying! I’m telling you the truth.
Lauren, for the love of god, just tell me why you got into to trouble!!
I wanted to skip. I’m not lying!
I KNOW THAT. What happened. That got you into trouble. At the pool?
I’m telling the truth!!
WOULD YOU JUST FREAKIN TELL ME WHAT THE EFF (not actual cursing) HAPPENED AT THE FREAKIN POOL?
I already did. And I’m not lying!!
Oh my god. I can’t talk to you anymore. (Turns up the volume on the radio.)

I was just waiting for her to come out with “I’m not lying! Who’s on first?” and then my head to explode.

God Damn It!

2011-03-13T12:51:00.002-03:00

On our way out of Sobeys today:

Lauren - Do you have any change? (for the gum ball machine)
Me - Nope sorry.
Lauren - Damn!
Me - Excuse me?!?!
Lauren - I said damn.
Me - Whoa. We are going to have a chat about THAT in the car.
Lauren - But I just said damn.
Me - Stop saying that!

Condescension Flavored Baked Goods

2011-02-21T12:56:00.001-04:00

I swear to Jeebus lady. Every time I see your face, I want to lay into it with something really rusty and pointy.

All I wanted was some effing mini muffins. But no. You can’t do that. To your knowledge, you’ve NEVER done that. Right, I must be mistaken. Oh, I see, it’s just you now working there. Well, I suppose baking mini muffins instead of regular sized muffins would throw your entire effing DAY off. Holy fuck lady.

You know… The only difference between regular and mini sized muffins is the TIN you use. It's not like I asked you to make me a goddamned truffle hamburger with edible gold leaf buns.

I hope to God, the next time I see you, you’re wearing protective gear.

And Jesus said, Come and See... Me Pee?

2011-02-11T11:40:00.002-04:00

I just found this pamphlet in the ladies bathroom at work.

Who leaves Jesus pamphlets on a gross dirty bathroom counter? And why did I feel compelled to grab it, scan it, blog it and throw it out...

Just A Little Incident Involving The Boogeyman

2011-02-03T23:44:00.002-04:00

I just scared the bejesus out of my little girl.

I realized that I forgot to get her clothes out for tomorrow so I went into her room to get them. So there I am trying to get this sweatshirt out the bottom drawer when I hear Lauren stirring in her bed behind me.

Then... AAAAHHHH!!! She screams bloody murder and throws the covers over her head.

At first I think she's had a bad dream and then it sets in... She doesn't know it's me and thinks I'm a stranger/monster/maniac in her room.

I walk calmly to her bed (so as not to scare her any more than I already have) telling her that it's mommy and I slowly lift the covers up to show her it's me. The look of terror in those blue eyes was enough to make me laugh and cry at the same time.

I apologized for scaring her and she told me she was ok. But man! I still feel horrible.

Worst. Mom. Ever.

She Makes It Her Own, All Right

2011-01-24T14:56:00.001-04:00

Lauren's always been a sucker for a good pub tune. One of her favorites is "Wasn't That A Party" and we often play it in the car.

I over heard Lauren singing it at home a while ago and it still makes me giggle.

"Could a been the whisket, might have been the gym
Could a been the three, four six packs, I don't know
But look at the mess I made"

God, that kid makes me laugh.

And everytime, I hear "Battlefield" by Jordin Sparks, all I can think of my friend's little girl who sings it as "You better go and get your llama."

Fuck You, Nazi Milk Bitches!

2011-01-11T08:50:00.003-04:00

The little café downstairs at my work is awfully convenient and we have an account with them but there are strings attached. The food sucks, it’s over-priced and god forbid you’d want to buy one of the 1L milk or creams displayed in their cooler.

Normally, I go to Victory to get milk and cream for the office because it’s way cheaper and the staff are not power hungry bitches. Last May, the downstairs cafe refused to sell milk to one of our staff members and we've been boycotting them since. This morning, however, we need milk but we're out of petty cash money so Victory was out. Last week when we needed milk and were out of petty cash, I used my own money to buy it. This week, I’m tapped. So, I decided this was an emergency and went down to the café for 1L of milk.

The exchange went something like this:
“Can you please charge this to [Corporate Life]?”
“You know…we’re not really supposed to be selling the milk.”
“I know but this is an emergency.”
“Ok, but just so that you know, we aren’t supposed to.”
“Yes, I know. Thank you.” (I’m walking away at this point)
“I just have to say it because we’ve getting flack for it.”
“Ok” (Still walking)

Holy fuck. All I wanted was milk, not your effing first born, lady. If I didn’t need that morning jolt of caffeine so bad, I would have just put the damn milk down and walked away.

Here’s a thought. If you aren’t supposed to be selling the milk and cream, perhaps you shouldn’t have it prominently displayed and faced in your cooler RIGHT NEXT TO THE EFFING REGISTER!!

Fuck you nazi milk bitches. Fuck you and your stupid fucking $4/L milk.

When "Oh Crap I Forgot" Just Won't Work

2011-01-05T11:48:00.003-04:00

Overheard at the Y as I was dropping Lauren off.
Mom to son “I’ll go home and see if I can find you your indoor shoes and skates”
Another mom to daughter (something to the effect of) “You don’t have your skates so I guess you can’t go skating”
Then the first mom to the second mom “…program is so disorganized.” Blah, blah, blah…

I’m listening to these ladies and just shaking my head. As I’m helping Lauren get her outdoor stuff off, I tell her “Ok let me just get your indoor shoes out of you backpack for you.” The Y leader says good morning to Lauren and then asks if I brought her skates. And I say loudly (and proudly!) “Yes, her skates are right here.” And point to her skate bag on the shelf.

Passive aggressiveness. Don’t leave home without it!

Ok, so for the Christmas break, all the kids in a Y afterschool program are to go to the Y building and are assigned a room. There was an email sent out a week before the holidays that had two attachments: a schedule of rooms and a memo to tell you what to bring.

The second memo clearly tells you (in BIG colorful letters) to bring each day indoor shoes and swim stuff. It also indicates (in BIG colorful letters) to bring skates and a helmet on Jan 5 and 7th.

So basically, you can read the first one that tells you where to bring your kid but then blame the program because you obviously didn’t read the second attachment?!

Idiots…

Worst. Dentist. Appointment. Ever.

2010-12-14T14:25:00.001-04:00

So I got a filling done 3 weeks ago and have been having issues with that tooth ever since. I can’t chew anything on the left side so I’ve gone back 3 times to have it looked at. Today was the third time.

Oh. My. God.

Apparently when they put in the filling, it aggravated the other old filling in that tooth. So the plan today was to replace the old filling. Sounds easy right? At least it didn’t have a fracture like they originally thought.

So the dentist injected me full of whatever it is they use for freezing and we waited for it to kick in. Turns out my dentist in moving to Newfoundland in a week. The freezing wasn’t quite enough to freeze everything so she injected some more. Immediately, my knees got tingly, my heart started racing and I wanted to either faint or puke. Luckily neither happened. But they sat me up a bit and we waited for me to feel better. Did you know that whatever it is they use for freezing has epinephrine in it? Yippee! Blech.

So once I started feeling better, they started working on the filling. Nope! Not frozen enough. So she tried a more localized anesthetic. Lalalala… waiting for it to kick in. And she starts back on the filling. FECK! Still not frozen enough. (I'm having flashbacks to the horror that was getting my wisdom teeth out and the nitrous not working.)

What to do…. What else can I do? It hurts to leave it, it hurts to fix it.

Fuck it. Fix it. God I’m tough.

I’d love to tell you that it’s all fixed and over with but no. The nerve is so aggravated that to put a permanent filling in right now would be stupid. So they put in a temporary filling that has a built-in sedative. Hopefully that will calm the nerve enough to make putting in a permanent filling in four months easier and less painful.

The whole left side of my face is numb, I have a slight lisp and I keep biting my tongue.

When all is said and done though, my old dentist NEVER froze me for any of my old fillings. So I guess this isn’t too bad. I told my new dentist that if worst comes to worst, we could just yank it; I mean I don’t really need that molar, do I?

She didn’t think that was funny.

Move Your Stupid Teal Ass!!

2010-12-09T15:22:00.002-04:00

I was thinking to myself this morning on they way to drop Lauren off at school , how we haven’t had any drop-off zone related problems. I’ve heard from lots of other parents about all sorts of drop-off zone douche-baggery but hadn’t seen any yet myself. I should have knocked on wood at the thought because when we got to school, a teal Ford Escort popped my cherry.

Holy crap. This fucker sat in the driveway entrance blocking two lanes of traffic because the line of cars in the drop-and-go zone was backed up. He sat there for a minute or two, which felt like an eternity, and when the line he wanted didn’t move, he then decided to move forward in the normal drive through lane. Everything was good for about a second or two. Then after they drop off their kid, they try to turn left to leave the parking lot which blocked both lanes of traffic AGAIN. Normally we park in the lot which is accessible only at the END of the drop-off area and since this retard was blocking the entrance, we couldn’t get in. And apparently turning left was NOT their forte because even when they had ample time to make the turn, they just didn’t. That street is frickin’ busy in the morning so when you get a chance, you have to gun it. This arsehole was waiting and waiting and waiting.

It was about a minute to bell-time so we just put the car in park (we weren’t going anywhere anyway), I unbuckled Lauren and practically shoved her out of the car, so she wouldn’t be late for school. We’ve never done that before and I feel bad that we sent her off to school so abruptly but what can you do. At least Mrs. Bliss and Auntie Paula were right there to greet her.

The Definition of Insanity

2010-11-22T14:04:00.002-04:00

How many times can we keep having this same conversation before you decide to change your behaviour and do your part? Just because you don't mind living in filth, doesn't mean I want to. I am sick and tired of asking/nagging/clucking for you to do the jobs around the house that are your chores to do.

Don't tell me you didn't have time to clean up the mess in the kitchen YOU MADE. It took me less than 5 minutes to clean up that counter and livingroom, while you sat down to check your message boards. And you still didn't get up to help, when I called you out on it. Thanks for that.

When you make the mess, you clean it up. And don't try to make me feel bad about getting mad when you don't do your share. If you did your part, I wouldn't get pissed off and yell and write angry blog posts like this one. And the worst part is that no doubt, we'll have this same argument next week.

I do more around our house than I would EVER ask you to do. You never have to ask me to do laundry, clean up the kitchen, the bedrooms, the bathroom and livingroom because I'm already on top of it.

I just wish I didn't have to do all of it myself.

Fire the Newb

2010-11-19T14:06:00.001-04:00

We get catering quite often for meetings at work and more frequently than not, we get it from Edwina’s. It’s pretty standard stuff, no complaints about the food.

The help however… Yesterday when they came to pick up the dishes, there was a new girl. I do not care for this FNG.

Normally they just come in, get the stuff and leave. Quickly and quietly. This new girl was neither of those things. When I took them through the back hallway to the kitchen, the FNG walked right past me and was leading the way. She’s never been here before but apparently she knew the way better than me… A few guys were in the kitchen talking business and she just flew in and interrupted. There was some salad left in the bowl and instead of just taking the dish (like they usually do), she tried to empty it into the worlds most poorly designed garbage can. Which lead to the garbage can lid being covered in salad. Dumbass…

THEN she asks where the rest of the dishes were and since they were in the meeting room with the meeting still in session, I told her as much. She asked me if I could interrupt them. Seriously. Uh, no. I told her to come back tomorrow.

Cue today. She comes in for the rest of the dishes and when I take her back to the kitchen, she steps on my foot. She then proceeds to slam the door coming in AND out of the kitchen . Did I mention that the door has a HUGE sign on both sides that reads “Please close door gently.” I guess this poor girl can’t read. Aww, sad face :(

*FNG: Fucking New Girl (or Guy)

Nipplyboo I'm Talking To You!

2010-10-14T10:50:00.003-03:00

A lot of shit has happened in the last month. Most of which I really don’t want to talk about, mainly because it’s boring. One major thing happened that involved getting a bad news text from Jon, crying in my boss’s office, going home early, lots of booze and drunken Wii. FYI, drunken Guitar Hero blows, drunken Just Dance is AWE-SOME!

Two weeks ago, my body decided to screw me over and I developed a MAJOR case of acid reflux. Two rolls of Rolaids, one box of Pepcid AC, one bottle of Gavison, one bottle of Pepto, one box of Zantac, two trips to the after hours clinic, two prescriptions, one bad drug reaction, and some bloodwork later, most of the acid reflux is gone except for this horrible lump-in-my-throat feeling. Did I mention this only started two weeks ago? Oye ve…

Good news! Jon has a new job! One that hopefully don’t suck his soul. So far, so good. He likes the people, the place and the work. Let’s call it Buy More. All I know is that he seems happier and to me, that’s all that matters.

A couple of Lauren notes and quotes.

- Last week at school, she walked up to her very tall gym teacher, looked him up and down and said “You’re the apple of my eye.”

- Thanksgiving weekend, we had our roasting pan on the counter with the very pointy and sharp turkey lifters sitting in it. Lauren needed a cup so she climbed up on the counter and (I can only assume what happened here since I wasn’t in the room) put her hand in or near the roasting pan, which slid off the counter taking her with it. KA-SMASH! She landed on the floor only inches away from the turkey lifters. Being Thanksgiving, I was very much thankful for not having to make a 911 call to rescue my impaled daughter. Though, I’m sure she would have loved the trip in an ambulance. Weee-ooo-weee-oooo!!

- The other night, she was playing with her dollhouse and one of the dolls fell off the roof. The following conversation took place.
Lauren - “Mom, can you do me a favor? Can you please pick up my doll?”
I stand up to look for said doll and realize it’s about 1 foot away from her. “You mean the doll right in front of you?”
Lauren - “Yes.”
Me - “Uh, no.” and I sit back down.
So she starts leaning over to get it “But… I…. Can’t….Reeeeaaaach…” And picks up the doll. On the way back up. “Owww!”
Jon - “Lauren, are you ok?”
Lauren - “I hurt my nipple”

1-900-TIM-HORTONS

2010-09-09T23:02:00.001-03:00

"Welcome to Tim Hortons. Can I take your order?"
"Yes. Can I get a large double-double and a large tea with milk. Oh! And a Boston Cream donut."
"That's $4.19, please drive up"
"Thanks"

I pull ahead slowly and hear from the order box, "I like that smell. Smells so good..."

What the f....

Took me a minute to realize he wasn't talking to me and that he forgot to turn off his headset. Too bad. That would have been a fucking hilarious prank.

Is Halifax the new Toronto?

2010-09-08T19:35:00.002-03:00

One of my biggest pet peeves and will make me instantly dislike a person, is when someone talks to me like I'm stupid.

Conversation between me and a visiting co-worker from Halifax.

Her - "Have you tried out the new printer?"
Me - "Yes, it's great! But I mostly use it for labels"
Her - "Color labels?"
Me - "No, just black labels..."
Her - "You know those ink cartridges are really expensive, right?"

Whhhhaaaaaaaattt?? Ink. Is. Expensive???? This is where I smile and nod.

Yes, I realize ink is expensive. Do you realize how little ink is involved in printing labels? And would it really make a difference to you if the labels were in color?

Idiot...

Holy Nosebleed, Batman!

2010-08-26T16:56:00.001-03:00

On Sunday, we decided that a family game of Littlest Petshops Hideaway Haven was a good way to spend some time together.

We were all playing nicely when Lauren decided she'd had enough of passing the spinner to me and started throwing it at me instead. And then she threw the little bobble-headed cat at me.

Right in the face. GAME. OVER.

Lauren was so upset and crying because I was angry at her. She kept saying over and over that I was hurting her feelings by being angry. And it was making her sad.

After Jon and I packed up the game, I went to do my hair in the bathroom. Lauren was still bawling.

And then I hear some commotion in the livingroom and Jon say something about a nosebleed. I go out to see what's going on and there is Jon holding a tissue to Lauren's nose. Blood is covering the side of her face, it's in her hair and there is a big puddle of blood on the floor.

She worked herself up so much, she gave herself a nosebleed. Sigh... Something she inherited from both Jon and I.

So, I give Jon a cold magic bag for the back of her neck and clean up the mess on her face and the floor. And then I go back to the bathroom to finish straightening my hair.

Lauren comes in a few minutes later and gives me a hug. "This is because I was so sad you were angry."

Kids...

Janet Needs Time Away From Pink Lady and Photocopiers

2010-08-12T10:47:00.002-03:00

I have been having a bad week. On Tuesday, I was never so happy to have cramps so bad I thought my insides were trying to become my outsides just so that I would get to leave work. I would tell you all about the bad stuff that happened that morning but I just don't want to. Just know that in less than one hour, a whole plethora of shit can go wrong mainly because of one pink person.

I broke the copier this morning. I just wanted to feed it a new staple cartridge. That set off a series of events that included cursing at the machine, getting the staple cartidge so stuck that I couldn't remove it again, calling in a service request and then having them change my name to Janet. Janet does not like Xerox this morning. I went to check on how the repair was going and the tech said that it was so badly mangled that he needed to replace the entire stapling component. Yeah. Janet is awesome today.

Ran into another odd name yesterday. First name: Kobra. Now THAT is a badass name.

There is a woman here at work, who says exactly what is on her mind. Not in a mean way, she just doesn't think about how what she says may make someone feel. At least not until after she says it. Thanks for thinking the only reason I wore a halter top to work yesterday was because of my sunburn (of which I do not have).

Also, I'm friends with someone on FB that I really can't stand. I read your status updates and the stupid things you post and all I can do is thank god that I'm not really friends with you. Because I would constantly punch you in the face for how retarded you are.

Hi, I'm Ken and I Have a Penis

2010-07-27T11:36:00.002-03:00

I know a guy that reminds me very much of a Ken doll. Today I saw him “adjusting” himself and came to the sudden realization that Whoa, that guy has actual genitalia and not moulded plastic tighty whities.

Part of me was a little disappointed...

I Need a Mother F***in' Bambulance!

2010-07-21T11:53:00.001-03:00

Monday and Tuesday I did my Workplace First Aid/CPR re-certification course. Got 100% because I'm awesome. Or it could have been that it was the same test as the first time I did the course, it was open-book (I only looked once, seriously) and the person before me circled the answers on the questionnaire.

I really enjoy this kind of stuff so I found the course very interesting but apparently not everyone feels the same. The girl across from me fell asleep no less than 4 times the first day...

Anyway.... My instructor was a very knowledgeable teacher and I would trust my life to her in the event of an emergency. However, she had a way about pronouncing things that by noon on the first day I felt I needed to record.

Resuscitate - Resuciate
Flail Chest - Frail Chest
Acronym - Acromum
Placebo - Paceblo
Osteoporosis - Osteosporosis
WHMIS (pronounced whi-mis) - WHMSIS (whim-sis)
Frustrating - Fustrating (one of my biggest pet peeves, along with libary and exscape)
Respiratory - Respitatory and Respitory

In The End

2010-06-23T13:47:00.000-03:00

The loud girl got 8 months in jail, lost her license for 2 years and 18 months probation for what she did July 2008.

Sounds pretty good to me. Especially since there is rarely an appropriate punishment for people caught drunk driving in this province.

Go Find Mommy's Machine Gun Bra

2010-06-16T10:21:00.001-03:00

I just read a Letter to the Editor in the Gleaner today regarding Lady Gaga and her new video, Alejandro. I like Lady Gaga but as my FB status said last week, I’m not impressed with her new video either. The writer took offence to the “sexual abusing” of Catholic symbols and how she’s the new Madonna wannabe. I also felt she was trying too hard to be like Madge in the video. But really, how many ways can you simulate screwing priests and have it look original?

The writer quoted Lady Gaga as saying that she didn’t want to have children (at least not right now) because it would ruin her creativity. Ok, I can see that, since kids are pretty much all consuming and Lady Gaga really does immerse herself in her work. The writer lays into her saying she seems oblivious to the fact that kids are “the most creative thing a woman can do.”

Seriously? Because I can think of a whole SHIT load of other things women can be creative doing that do NOT involve kids at all.

This writer must either be 1) delusional, 2) really old-school 3) Mrs. Happy-Suzie-Home-Maker or 4) completely bat-shit crazy.

Why Can't You See It??

2010-06-14T08:58:00.002-03:00

As I was walking through the lobby this morning, I witnessed something that most certainly falls under the “People are Stupid” category. There were two women, one who worked in the bank and the other woman was asking her directions. This is what I heard.

Woman 1 – “So where were you going again?”
Woman 2 – “(Didn’t hear what she said except) B”
Woman 1 – “Oh It’s right there. On the first floor”
Woman 2 – Silence…
Woman 1 – “You see where that woman is going in? Right there” while pointing at the door.

I turn around as I’m headed towards the stairwell and I see that the woman looking for directions is holding a cane and looking for the CNIB (Canadian National Institute for the Blind) door.

Seriously? The woman is blind and you’re pointing at where she needs to go? Dumbass…

Fur Babies Beware

2010-06-09T09:10:00.002-03:00

Need to use a kennel? Don't let this happen to your pet. Foster's Home for Dogs Spread the word...

Now In Color

2010-06-04T11:52:00.000-03:00

In regards to getting a replacement for the piece of crap printer on my desk, we’ve been offered a high-capacity floor model printer from another office. I was hoping to get another countertop model because I use it a lot for labels as our current machine s-u-c-k-s for making labels. It’s the main reasoning behind getting a new printer. I mentioned that reason to the people offering the new machine. She told me she’d get back to me with shipping costs and we left it at that. This morning she spoke with my supervisor about the cost and we’ve agreed to take it. It’s hard to pass up a great machine like they’re offering.

What got me though is that she mentioned that “they have to get up and walk to the printer to get their reports.” So we shouldn’t have a problem doing it.

It’s not that I’m incapable of walking to the printer to get my print jobs, I just don’t want to walk all the way across the office to get them. And I don’t appreciate the insinuation that I’m lazy.

All I want is a printer that is capable of printing labels without smearing the toner all over the page. I make a LOT of labels, on a daily basis, so I’m sorry that I don’t want to run halfway across the office every time I need to print them.

Did I mention the new printer only prints color? And is not really meant to be used to print labels? Our reports will look fantastic. Labels? Not so much. Boo-urns.

Angry Painting 101

2010-05-31T19:09:00.002-03:00

I'm not the type of parent who keeps their kid in a bubble. I've always gone with the philosophy that you can't have fun and stay clean at the same time. So I really don't care when Lauren comes home from daycare quite literally covered from head to toe in dirt. Seriously, I hug her and a dust cloud floats up. But I can NOT fathom how a daycare provider with years of experience with children between the ages of 2 and 5 can so readily provide paint that is NOT washable for the kids to use. Lauren loves to paint, it's her favorite thing to do at daycare so I don't want to stop her from painting. But for the love of christ, could you at least give her a fucking smock?!?!? She wore a brand new shirt today and she came home covered front AND BACK in purple paint. Even with stain remover, it didn't budge.

I am so angry, so infuriated with them right now. I can't afford to have two sets of clothes for my child. But slowly daycare is turning ALL of her clothes to gross stained clothes. I ask Lauren to please try and keep the paint off her clothes, but I know that won't happen.

I wish they had a bit more respect for our things. I would even provide one of my old blouses for her to use as a cover up. That's what we used to do when I was a kid. I'm sure every parent would gladly hand over an old button up shirt for their kid to use.

Ok, I'm starting to calm down a bit. I think I'm just being overly sensitive from the trauma of hearing my 50ish year old landlord having really loud sex yesterday afternoon...

Yes, We All Need To Shut The Hell Up

2010-05-20T15:35:00.001-03:00

Oh, Perez Hilton. Shut the hell up. The only person that is keeping this Christina-Aguilera-Copying-Lady-Gaga thing going is YOU! I’m sick of it. I think the real problem is that you just don’t like Xtina. We get it. But a lot of us do like her so shut the hell up about it and move on!
Gave a phone message to the new, and very french, guy at work on Monday. It said for him to call his drive home and the phone number. When I handed him the note, he asked me who it was that called, I told him I didn’t know they just said they were his drive home. He seemed a little confused and asked again who it was. I said “I can only assume you know who will be picking you up today.” And walked away. Sorry new guy, but really? Just call the damn number.
Overheard something bothersome the other day. I won’t get into it here but it made me realize that a 15yr old boy is worth more than me on the pay scale. That was a depressing day.
I confess. It was me. I did it. What are you gonna do about it??
Staple cartridge 1. Jenn 0. Stupid staples.
The cat peed on a towel on Sunday afternoon. I made faces that I think are undocumented in the whole of human history I was just that mad. With arm movements to match. I cannot even tell you how furious I was with her. She's lucky it's against the law for me to duct tape her paws to the toilet.

I'm Sorry - Second Edition

2010-05-04T20:19:00.002-03:00

I'm sorry I decided to do the dishes tonight. To wash the pot that you used last week to make chicken soup. I appreciate that you thought to soak the pot. However, I'm sorry that I now know what that stagnant "water" smells like after a week of sitting on the stove. In 30 degree weather. A smell that I akin to what it may smell like when one day the cat disappears, only to become a horrible odour we find coming from beneath the bed days later.

I'm sorry that I can't get the smell off my hands. And I'm really sorry to find that mold growing on the burner cover when I lifted up the pot. I think it ate some of the picture away.

I'm sorry that I hurt your feelings when I told you that if you ever did that again, I would leave you. I'm sorry that the thought crossed my mind to shove the nasty dishcloth in your face when you told me that I should have just left it there for you to clean. In your own due time, I'm sure.

I'm sorry you got annoyed when I gave you attitude about the pot. I'm sorry you left without saying goodbye. And more importantly, I'm sorry about the unfortunate place I rubbed that nasty dishcloth when tomorrow at work you try to figure out where that gross smell is coming from.

Turn Left Here, Or Maybe Not

2010-04-23T12:06:00.003-03:00

I cannot believe they blamed the GPS unit for that old couple who drove into the back end of a semi in St. Stephen.

Outdated GPS cited in fatal N.B. crash

I don't care who you are, where you're from or how old you are. If you can't use your EYES to see the road ahead of you, you shouldn't be driving. What kind of moron doesn't see an intersection coming? The flow of traffic directly ahead of you should be a pretty clear indicator that you should at least slow down before barreling into high speed traffic.

Accountability people!! Use it. It wasn't the GPS, it was the DRIVER. Idiots...

Conversations of the Married Variety

2010-04-13T10:49:00.005-03:00

Jon packed my lunch this morning. And this is the email chain that ensued.

Initial email from Me: (Subject) You gave me teriyaki (Body) NOT general tao’s. You’ve screwed me AGAIN Penny packer!!
Jon: You grabbed them from the freezer not me
Me: No I didn’t, you got them this morning. I don’t think I even set foot in the kitchen this morning other than making Lauren’s sandwich.
Jon: I mean at the store itself, don’t put this on me Wanda Peppers!
Me: I grabbed 2 taos and 1 teriyaki from the store and I asked for taos this morning. And since YOU got them from the freezer this morning, YOU got it WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG
Jon: I thought you got all Taos though!
Me: I told you this morning only 2 were taos. See! You NEVER listen to me!
Jon: What are you talking about?
Me: I knew you’d say that.

Pretend That You Can Hear Me Screaming This

2010-03-31T12:24:00.004-03:00

Why is it that whenever a celebrity gets caught cheating on their spouse, with one or multiple partners, they are called a pervert or a sex addict or that something is "wrong" with them?

They aren't sick in the head, they aren't "addicted" to sex. They are rich. They are famous. They have an EGO the size of Africa and think they can do what ever they want and get away with it. Simple as that. They don't need rehab, they need a dose of reality. They are not invincible, they are not gods, they are just people who have not heard the word "No" in a loooonnngg time.

No, I don't condone adultery. I am just sick and tired of people forgetting that cheating happens every day by a lot of people who make bad choices for the simple reason that they can because it feels good at the moment.

NEXT

For the love of all that is good in the word parents. PARENT YOUR CHILDREN. They don't need friends. They need a mom and dad. They don't need hand-outs or every single toy out there. They need BOUNDARIES and LIMITS and to hear the word NO. A LOT. They need CONSEQUENCES and FOLLOW-THROUGH.

You parents who give your kids everything with no rules (or no enforcement of them) are creating effing horrible people! They are entitled, spoiled brats who think they will be handed everything and have to work for nothing.

NEXT

Your kitchen sink is THE dirtiest, germiest place in your home. Stop writing news stories about it!!

NEXT

Don’t you hate it when you’re in the middle of a rant and someone just goes in a steals your thunder and then by the time they’re done, you want to keep ranting but you’re not as angry so you’re like Meh and just walk away feeling dissatisfied? That happened to me this morning.

Get your own rant time and stop stealing mine!

Random Thoughts on Eyeballs and Lax Security

2010-03-29T16:43:00.003-03:00

Lauren got poked in the eye with a metal fork on Friday night on her first overnight with cousin Jilly. Scared the bejesus out of all parties involved. Lesson learned is to not play stabby-stabby while jumping on the bed. She moved on pretty easily from the incident while mommy went out for a few drinks afterwards. The next day we took Lauren to the after hours clinic to have it checked out, just in case. Turns out she had a small scratch 1mm away from her cornea. FYI, going to the after hours clinic to have an eyeball checked out while hungover sucks monkey balls. She's fine though and super loves having those polysporin eye drops 3 times a day. Yippee!
Lauren is now referred by Jon and myself as the "Lenny Leonardson" of the family. "Ow my eye! The doctor told me not to get pudding in it!" - Lenny, The Simpsons
I find it very humorous when I walk past the CSIS office and see the security door WIDE OPEN and no one in sight.
I have been to the Northstar and found out that 1) you can make thong panties out of jeans and 2) those panties sorry lack any type of coverage unless your cooch is supposed to be hanging out. Oh wait. I was at the Northstar...

Stupidest Product Ever

2010-03-23T13:15:00.004-03:00

Honestly, who cares how "germy" my soap pump is?? Would I need to touch the soap pump again after my hands were clean?? NO. It's not like I have to turn off the soap pump. What they need to market is an at home No-Touch faucet instead.

What's amazing is how many people will buy this retarded product.

Good To The Last Deposit

2010-03-02T10:51:00.002-04:00

I just ordered some new contacts and realized that it's been since Oct 2008 that I got the last boxes. I made that 6 pairs of monthly contacts last 16 months. Damn I'm good...

One Twist Too Many

2010-02-22T11:27:00.001-04:00

Jodi Picoult – Handle With Care

Do NOT read this book. I repeat do NOT read the aforementioned book. Seriously. If you are considering reading this, STOP. Friends do not let friends read this book. If you have it, throw it out, put it in a closet, bury it. I don’t care as long as you don’t read it.

I read it, on the advice of my mother, who I called after reading 41 pages in to yell at for giving me this book. I was so upset and frustrated. She told me to stick with it, it gets better. So I came back to it after a few days and then I got hooked. I couldn’t put it down until Sat night when I finally finished it. I was floored. And crying. I got up and wrote an angry email to my mother (who’s on her way to Florida) about how upset I was over the last page and a half of the book. How completely unnecessary the ending was and WHY THE HELL DIDN’T SHE WARN ME???

The book goes like this. A little girl is born with Osteogenesis Imperfecta (Brittle Bone Disease). In the first 41 pages, the family of four goes on a trip to Disney where the little girl (age 5) falls down and breaks both of her femurs in a restaurant. The family goes to the ER where the parents are subsequently accused and arrested for abuse. Their oldest daughter is sent to foster care.

This is when I put down the book and yelled at my mother the first time.

It goes on and the family is set free with apologies. They try and sue the police department and social services but after speaking to a lawyer, they end up suing their obstetrician, who is the mother’s best friend, in a wrongful birth suit. (Had they know sooner about the child’s disease in utero, they would have aborted.) I’m going to spoil the ending since I don’t want you reading the book. They win the case and receive $8 million.

Before the cheque is even cashed, the little girl, now 6 ½, goes outside to their pond, steps on the ice and falls through. And dies.

That’s it. That’s how it ends.

This is where I sent the angry email to mom, and can you see why?? How completely unnecessary was that as an ending?!?!

It Has Pretty Lips

2010-02-18T10:38:00.007-04:00

Went in to Yves Rocher the other day and the sales person said "I LOVE the color of your lipstick." I told her thank you but that I wasn't wearing any.

"That's your natural lip color?? Wow."

At first I was flattered by the compliment. Now I wonder if she was just greasing me up so I would buy stuff. I guess it worked because I bought $30 worth of lotion.

Z-A-P!

2010-02-12T10:51:00.018-04:00

**Last night, Miz Lauren wrote out all her own Valentine’s Day cards. She wrote all the kids names by herself, with a little help from mama of course. I showed her the letters she was unsure of but mostly she did it on her own. She even wrote her teachers name and told me not to help. She’s so grown up!!

**This morning, I asked Jon to “find something R-E-D” for Lauren to bring to color show and tell. Didn’t the little bugger say “how about dragon?” I didn’t mention anything about show and tell or toy and she understood what I spelled out! I grabbed the red dragon she was talking about and put it in her bag. I was so happy but I realize this is the end of spelling things out now.

**Ever get shocked in the ear? I have. Four times this morning. I was getting some Purolator packs ready with my headphones on and they were so full of static electricity that some how when I moved the packs, it sent a nice shock to my EAR. Thought it was a fluke and kept going. Shocked again. Got irritated but I really wanted to listen to my music so I kept going. ZAP! Third times the charm and I rip out my head phones. Do a couple of packs without music and decide maybe I’ll try one more time. ZAAAPPP!! Ahhh!! And then I started laughing hysterically.

Busted

2010-02-04T11:34:00.003-04:00

I love to sing. Like, love-love it. But just because I love to sing, doesn't mean I want anyone to hear me. I'm shy about my voice, okay?!?! Really, really shy about it. I don't even like it when Jon hears me sing.

One of my favorite places to sing, is in the file room at work because it's a low traffic area but I'm paranoid that I'll be singing away and then someone will walk in. Or there will be someone in the stacks and I won't notice until it's too late.

Today, I've had Taylor Swift stuck in my head. And so I was mid "Our Song" when I hear paper shuffle and then footsteps and doesn't Jamie walk out from a middle stack.

I stood there and stared at him, like Fuck. He heard me. And he says "Big Swift fan?"

I died. My face turned so-far-past-red-it-turned-white-again-red, my head exploded and then I died.

Nothing for Something

2010-01-17T20:15:00.005-04:00

I saw this ad posted in the "Free" section on Kijiji on Saturday.

"2 dell inspiron 1501 laptops, dont use them, oe of them i got for free so i dont care if i get money out of it. "

Sparked my interest because I have a laptop with a fried screen and a bad stick of RAM. So I sent the guy not one, not two but three emails stating I would love to have them and to please get back to me asap.

This is the reply I got:

"hey, someone else bought one of them so i haveone left. he bought it for 200$ il ask same or make me an offer"

I was stunned. $200? Seriously?? This is what I replied:

"Well, since you posted them as Free and don't care if you get money out of them (as per your ad), I suppose I'd take it for free."

Shockingly (rolling my eyes), I have not heard back.

If you list it for free, don't expect me to pay for it, asshole.

Secret Bunny Killer

2010-01-07T09:07:00.002-04:00

At what point do we say enough-is-enough when it comes to keeping information “confidential”? I don’t often write about people at [Corporate Life] but recent events have led me to this post. On three separate instances, I have witnessed people crying “that should be confidential” about the following:

A few months ago, a mandatory employee survey was sent out and to encourage people to get it done quickly, the incentive of cake was introduced. When twenty of the employees filled it out, there would be cake and then again when everyone had completed it. There was a sheet posted on the fridge in the kitchen and when you filled out the survey, you checked off your name. A couple of days later, the sheet was removed due to someone being upset that it was posted who hadn’t filled out the survey yet. Well, if you don’t want everyone seeing that you hadn’t completed the survey, COMPLETE THE EFFING SURVEY and CHECK OFF YOUR NAME! The survey is mandatory. Fill it out so the rest of us can have cake. Dumbass.

Prior to Casual Friday being company policy, we were able to dress down on Friday IF we paid a dollar that day and then donated the money to charity. At the beginning of December, it was time to figure out which charity to donate to. We sent out an email indicating a few choice charities to choose from as well as giving the option to submit to a different charity. Majority would rule. Well… Someone complained it should be “more confidential” than simply replying to the person who sent the email. So that email was recalled and we sent out a new one with vote buttons. Ok, seriously. Why is it confidential that someone might see that you like the SPCA over Breast Cancer Research??? It’s not like it was a competition between Save The Cute Fluffy Bunnies Society and Blow Those Fucking Bunnies Brains Out Society. All I could say for that entire day was “Seriously? Ugh…”

And then just today, a co-worker wanted to know the link to the document entitled “Birthday Info” (she’s the unofficial b-day party committee). Another co-worker asked what I was showing her, so I stupidly told her. Upon seeing that birth years were listed, she began questioning me as to why the years were listed. “That should be confidential… I don’t care but I know other people would… We need to delete the years…” and so on and so forth. I told her I was asked by a partner to add the years as he was doing some demographics for the office. That seemed to appease her for a little while then she came back yacking about bonuses and forced retirement and “why does my employer need to know the year of my birth??” Holy fuck lady. For someone who “doesn’t care”, you sure seem upset by it.

To sum everything up, people are stupid.

This Face

2009-11-25T10:32:00.001-04:00

I have a face that seems to put people at ease. I don’t quite know what it is but when people see this face, they tell me things. Personal, private things. I don’t mind, normally, except if I’m in a public washroom and they won’t let me leave by blocking the door. Yes, that actually happened to me, with a total stranger.

This face is a friendly face, I guess. And as long as they don’t want advice, I am prepared to let a person speak their mind. Perhaps I should consider a career change to Professional Listener/Secret Keeper.

Half-Ass and Passive Aggressive - Discuss

2009-11-24T10:56:00.003-04:00

It’s not my fault the cleaners suck at my office. I’m sure they’re very busy with all of the offices they have to clean, but come on people. When you see a table covered in spilled food and crumbs from a luncheon, would you not think as part of your duties as the cleaners it would be, I dunno, your JOB to wipe it off?? Yes, I also realize that some of us are pretty messy eaters. That’s not really the point.

This exact thing has been an issue for a while and they’ve been talked to about it by their boss. We have a little book here that we can write in if we want a specific job done and the cleaners initial in it every night when they’re done “cleaning.” Well, I wrote a note to say the table wasn’t cleaned off. Mostly as a reminder for me to talk to the lady who does a monthly inspection.

Well, I guess the cleaners found it very offensive because when I came in this morning, my desk looked like a tornado hit it. Things knocked over, my keyboard and mouse pad were strewn to the side of my desk, items out of place and piled every where. If you know me at all, my desk looks spotless when I leave for the night. Everything has to be exactly in its place, square to the wall and very neat. (Yeah, yeah, anal-retentive, yada, yada, yada…) I was NOT impressed.

If they would do their job in the first place, I wouldn’t have to write reminders for them to clean stuff.

Ugh! Bitches.

A Bunch O' Crap Not Important Enough To Post About Individually. And I'm Lazy.

2009-10-27T21:33:00.009-03:00

Last weekend , Lauren was dressed up like Cinderella and was being a very demanding. I told her that princesses have a lot of patience. She said "Well, not this one."

At work today, I came across two funny names. Some poor shmuck named Nimrod and another named Carl Carlson. Hahaha. I also received a phone call last week and the Caller Id came up as Peter Griffin. Love it!

Another bout of tonsillitis for Lauren. I want them out but I don't want them out. Guess it's not my call now is it. Meh, at least she loves the banana medicine.

I fought the insurance company. And WON! Seriously, how often does that happen??

I'm ready to get rid of the cat. SOOOOO ready. Now, if only Jon would get to this point, too.

Pretty proud of our pumpkins this year. And Lauren actually put her hands inside the pumkpin without whining. Which is odd because she whined about everything else today.

Don't Make Me Draw a Line, Lady!

2009-10-27T14:40:00.003-03:00

Bathrooms on the second floor are being renovated at work. So we have a bit more traffic here in the third floor bathroom.

I understand that the bathroom is also used for retouching your lipstick and brushing your teeth, but this is NOT your personal bathroom, stupid TD bank lady. Keep your shit on YOUR side of the counter. Otherwise, I may not be so careful while washing my hands and either knock your purse into the sink or splash water in it.

Have a little consideration please!

Welcome to LadyTown

2009-10-21T15:54:00.004-03:00

TMI Alert! If you DON’T want to hear about my lady parts, please stop reading….. NOW!

No more kids for us, thank you very much. I told the nurse at the doctors office during my yearly appointment that we decided one is enough and that I wanted a more permanent, but not permanent, solution other than birth control pills. I also told her I didn’t want periods anymore and that I’d rather live without my uterus (joking but completely serious). When the doctor came in, he said “So you want to be sterilized.” Jeez, when you put it THAT way, not really. He told me to go see my gyno and since I already had an appointment there for something else, I said “Sure!”

A few weeks later, I met with my gyno and we decided to go with the Mirena IUD because it has hormones in it that will pretty much stop me from having periods for the next 5 years. Sweet!! Oh and no babies. Yay! She wrote me up a prescription and made an appointment to have it put it two weeks later. She also told me to take an Advil prior to my appointment as there may be some discomfort. Sounds good, I say!

After some discussion with my insurances companies, I go to get my IUD from the pharmacy. And sweet merciful crap! For something that's supposed to fit in my tiny uterus, the box was HUGE! I’m talking a foot-long-no-where-near-discreet box. It was a bit intimidating and I got a little scared.

Fast forward to D-day. About an hour before my appointment, I pop three Advil instead of the recommended one. I have a high tolerance, ok?? I get there, wait about a half hour and then get called into a room. The doctor opens the big ass Mirena box and shows me that only a tiny portion is the actual IUD and the rest is the applicator. Yup, a foot-long applicator. Nice. She leaves so I can get undressed and while she’s out there, I overhear her saying she’s been having contractions all day and she’s 4cm dilated. Did I mention she’s enormously pregnant and due that week? I’m pretty sure my appointment was her last for a few months at least.

I’m all set to go when she comes back in, and we get started. I’m getting woozy just thinking about all this. Seriously.

First she makes sure that my cervix is dilated enough by poking me with a long plastic stick. A little uncomfortable, but nothing more that my yearly pap. Then she makes sure she can reach the top of my uterus with that stupid stick. OUCH! Didn’t quite reach all the way. Better try again. FUCKING OUCH! Ah yes, everything is good. She puts in the IUD and …

MOTHER OF GOD!! I’m practically HALLUCINATING the pain is so excruciating. I swear, I thought someone was stabbing me repeatedly in each hip. And even though I couldn’t see them stabbing me, I sure as hell wanted to choke them! The doctor kept asking me if I was ok. Uh, NO I’m NOT ok! Does it look like I’m ok?!?! As I’m writhing on the table trying to strangle the air.

Did you know there is a nerve that goes from your uterus directly to your heart? Apparently, by shoving plastic in there and causing a whole lot of pain, your heart slows down thereby causing a person to faint. My doctor is trying to explain this to me while I’m trying not to faint. Thanks for the lesson! The more you know…

Oh and the Advil? Who are you trying to fool people?? Some Vicodin would have been MUCH more appreciated, and called for.

Eventually the pain starts to dissipate and I tell her I’m fine to get dressed. But she waits outside the curtain in case I faint. I walked out to the waiting room to meet Jon and as I’m walking I could see at least 2 nurses and my doctor watching me like a hawk. Jon looked at me and asked “What the hell did they do to you in there?” Guess, I didn’t look so good. By the time I reached him, I was seeing stars and had felt the blood drain completely from my head and into my feet. I sat down and the nurse got me another chair so I could stretch out, she also got me a cold cloth for my head. Lauren was there waiting for me, too, and she felt it important to ask me over and over again for a lollipop. At that moment, she could have asked for a Mercedes and a million dollars in small unmarked bills and I would have complied. I laid there for about 10 minutes until I felt confident that I could make it to the car without passing out.

That night is just awful. Absolutely awful. The cramping is intense. I was not prepared for how much it would hurt while it settled in there. I’m taking four advil every 3 hours and all I can do is lay on the couch with a heating pad. I even go to sleep with it on and then bring it to work with me the next day. Even though the next day the cramps are still pretty uncomfortable, it’s bearable.

That’s my lady parts story. It’s been about 3 weeks now and I don’t even think about it anymore. And I won’t for another 5 years. Though I wonder if it’s less painful the second time around…

It's All In The Name

2009-10-03T16:09:00.003-03:00

This is what my life is now. Poop.

"WHOA! This poop is HUGE!" I said after wiping Lauren's bum. "Jon get in here!"
Jon - "That's a big poop!"
Me - "That thing is so big it should have a name."
Lauren - "Yeah, like Molasses."

I love my kid :)

Sure Hope That Horse Shoe Doesn't Come Out...

2009-09-18T14:09:00.004-03:00

It’s my lllllucky day!!

I had an appt this morning at the doctor so I dropped Jon off at work. Drove to the Regent Street clinic, had a GREAT appt with my doctor and then I left. I paid my three dollars to get out of the parking lot and just happen to glance down at the change tray of the parking machine and low and behold! There is a toonie and a loonie just sitting there (not mine, I heard them go in properly). So grab them and keep going! Free Parking!!

Then I parked in the garage next to my office and used the found three dollars for the three hours of parking I’ll need until it’s time to go get Jon.

So I’m working away, looking for a piece of paper in a storage box full of single pieces of paper and VOILA! There it is. Beautiful!

Our IT dept finally fixed the printer that's been broken since June, and I helped just a wee bit. Still, it's fixed!!

Then I get great news from Jon that the prescription I was given this morning at my wonderful appt is covered under our health plan. YES!! That just saved me $400.

Time to go get Jon! (Could there BE more exclamation marks?? Yup!!) So I go down the stairway at work and BAM! Almost run into my buddy Jack. I haven’t seen Jack since I left [Insert company name here], over 2 years ago. I practically got whiplash my head spun around so fast. What a great surprise! He now works on the next floor down. We’ll have to have lunch soon.

And then when I get back from switching out the car with Jon, there is cake waiting for me at work!! Yum!!

This has been such an awesome day so far and it’s only 2:00. Hopefully it doesn’t go downhill from here…

Everything is coming up Jenn!!

One of "Those" Lists

2009-09-08T23:19:00.004-03:00

Normally I think those "about me" lists that go around facebook are totally lame and stupid but I really like this one. So read it or go the hell away.

1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? Chicken burger with ketchup
2.Where was your profile picture taken? Dominican
3.Can you play Guitar Hero? Yep, on easy.
4.Name someone who made you laugh today? Tenille on Hell's Kitchen. Damn that girl's funny.
5.How late did you stay up last night and why? 11pm, because that's bedtime.
6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? Nope.
7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? Not sure, which probably means no.
8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Erika
9. Do you believe ex's can be friends? No way. At least none of my ex's.
10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper? Loves it
11. When was the last time you cried really hard? No idea.
12. Who took your profile picture? ME!
13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? Lauren
14. Was yesterday better than today? Yep
15. Can you live a day without TV? Hell no.
16. Are you upset about anything? Not at the moment
17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? For sure.
18. Are you a bad influence? Depends on the day and my mood.
19. Night out or night in? Night in.
20. What item could you not go without during the day? It's a tie between lipgloss and clothes. I hate to be naked but I really like glossy lips...
21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? Other than myself, it would have to be Erika when she had Jack.
22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? I don't text. GASP! No really, I don't.
23. How do you feel about your life right now? Bored. Ohhhhh, the boredom.
24. Do you hate anyone? Hate is such a strong word. More like tolerate a few people.
25. If we were to look in your Facebook inbox, what would we find? A hurtful message that I can't bring myself to delete.
26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? Yep
27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? Yes but I'm pretty sure it was me.
28. What song is stuck in your head? I know you want me - Pitbull
29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? If someone knocks on my window at 2am, they better run because I will NOT be impressed by being woken up. Unless... it's someone holding a giant check worth millions of dollars.
30.Wanna have grandkids by the time you're 50? Grandkids?? I can't think past kindergarten and that's a year away.
31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? File. Ohhhh the filing.
32. Do you think too much or too little? Most days I just don't give a shit.
33. Do you smile a lot? It's my defense mechanism so YES!! :)

Side note: You're means you are. 'Nuff said.

I'm Sorry

2009-09-02T12:18:00.006-03:00

I'm sorry for this morning. As the passenger, I should've told you Aberdeen St. was coming up but I didn't and you missed the turn. I should've then let you turn around on Northumberland like you wanted to (green dot) instead I suggested you turn right on Saunders, right on Westmorland and then down Aberdeen. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you to turn left onto Aberdeen instead of right and you wound up going in a circle. (see diagram)

You can see on the diagram, we started out red, green is where it started to go wrong and then where red and blue connect is when it all fell apart.

I'm sorry you got so mad at me when I commented that you should know where you're going in a city you've lived in your whole life, on a route we take almost every day. I should've realized that you talking to our child while driving was far too distracting and that I should've been navigating.

I'm sorry I slammed the car door when I got out at work and then called you an asshole.

Tomorrow I'll be better, I promise.

Unleashing The Beast

2009-08-12T16:51:00.004-03:00

** We had Lauren’s 4th birthday party last Saturday. All the kids had a great time and Lauren was super psyched to see all her old daycare friends there. She was playing on the front steps before the kids got there and I asked her to come out back since I was going to decorate and she wasn’t allowed to stay out front by herself. Lauren says to me “No. I want to wait out front for my customers!”

** Last evening, my sweet angel of a child turned into a RAGING LUNATIC and so did I. Out of food, we went to get groceries directly after work. Everything was going great until the checkout when Lauren decided she just didn’t want to listen anymore. We tried to get some food to-go at the deli counter but Lauren wasn’t having any part of that either. So I took 3 bags from the cart so Jon would have a place to put the deli stuff, he put her in my arms and off I went with my lunatic to find the car.

As soon as my feet hit the pavement, I turned into “that mother” and Lauren was “that kid”. There I was dragging a bawling Lauren by the wrist, shuffling the three bags in my arms, ranting about bad behavior while trying to find the car that Jon parked while I was in the store. Oh my god it was awful. As soon as we got home, Lauren went to her room until we decided it was time to release the beast. But by that time, she’d turned back into a good non-demon girl.

One funny part though and the reason I ended up dragging her by the wrist and not carrying her anymore. As I huffed out of the store carrying everything and everyone, Lauren yells "You're hurting my bits!!" I guess balancing her on my hip is hard on her bits now and everyone in the Superstore parking lot knows about it.

** Oh and thanks a LOT arseholes at work for not telling me about the piece of paper/Kleenex/napkin/whatever the hell it was that was stuck to my face ALL AFTERNOON.

My Mama Loves Me, Too

2009-07-19T22:19:00.004-03:00

Not that it matters, Princess, but I'd just like to say, I got my babies first. Na-na-na-na-naaaa...

I love it when my mommy spoils me :)

Pool Humor a La Lauren

2009-07-16T16:39:00.005-03:00

We've spent a lot of time at Nanny and Gramps' pool lately with the nice weather. And only my kid would say the following:

"I can swim AND tickle my bits!"
In the pool - "I have to go poop!"...Still swimming... "No. I don't have to poop anymore. I think it went back up into my butthole."

God she's going to love me for keeping a record of the crazy things she said as a child...

Random Thoughts like a Pimple on a Bugs Ass

2009-07-07T12:24:00.007-03:00

What kind of arsehole closes Hanwell Rd and then decides to pave Prospect Street during morning rush traffic?? A BIG one that's who. A big, hairy, stupid face arsehole. I'm sure City Hall is going to get an earful today from very unhappy Hanwellites. But I'll rant to you instead, just cause I'm a jerk like that.
You know your day is starting off well when the last words before leaving for work to the husband are "Well fuck you then, you grumpy ass!"
My tongue hurts. It feels like it's molting and it sort of is, I guess. Nice picture, eh? See, I have this way of eating chips. I lick all the dressing off and then eat the soggy chip. I like it, no, I LOVE it that way. Unfortunately, I don't stop eating them until my tongue is so raw, it burns. Next thing you know, I'm losing taste buds like a porn star loses her clothes upon hearing "pizza delivery guy" or "milkman". Not pleasant. But that bag of Ketchup Lays continues to call and damn it, I'll always answer.
Ever get so angry you're paralyzed with rage? Yeah, me too.

Weirdest Trip to KFC EVER! Seriously.

2009-06-29T17:32:00.006-03:00

Jon was wearing jammy pants and the Miramichi is sorely lacking in drive-thrus. We hadn't had lunch yet and the drive home would be a long one without a bit of a snack. We drove around for awhile and settled on KFC because it was right there. Jon refused to go in because of the jammy pants and I REALLY didn't want to. I just didn't feel like it, ok?! So I'm just saying that I don't want to go in and Jon is getting frustrated with me and I find that completely hilarious. I start laughing hysterically at him, with Lauren yelling in the back seat "I WANT TO COME IN!! I WANT TO COME IN!!" and I decide to go in before the laughing turns to crying. Lauren is still yelling at me as I'm undoing her car seat, Jon is trying to tell me what he wants and some car keeps honking the horn.

As Lauren and I are walking to the door, the car nexts to us starts honking the horn again. I turn around and some old lady is waving her arms in the air. So, I point to myself and do the "Me?" thing and lucky me, she waves me over. I pull Lauren with me and ask the lady if I could help her. She proceeds to shove a $10 at me and says, "I want a chicken dinner."

Seriously, did she just ask me to get her a chicker dinner? Did I go back in time and do I look like I'm wearing rollerskates? "You want a chicken dinner..." and she says yes but she can't go in because she left her oxygen tank at home. Oooookkkkk. From her purple skin and lips, I suppose that's a plausible story. "Uh, so what kind of chicken dinner do you want??" "Oh they'll know and have them bring it out to me." Inside, I tell the girl at the counter about the crazy old lady and she's just as confused as I am. The lady in the kitchen says this has never happened before to her, and I'm thinking, yeah I know the feeling. So put in her order and mine and Lauren is driving me crazy asking for over-priced toys. I tell her no but she insists that Daddy said she could have some. The Daddy in the car, outside, who can't hear what you're asking for? No.

She says she has to go pee, so I turn the light on in the bathroom and let her go. After a while, I wonder what's taking her so long. "Are you all done?" Yep! So I go to open the door and THUD! I whack her right in the forehead. Crap. And then I realize that the seat wasn't down on the toilet so I'm lucky she didn't fall in. After a thorough hand washing, we gather our order and I deliver the "chicken dinner" to the old bat. First she asks what she owes me... Um, moral delimma but I tell her nothing she already gave me money and she tells me to keep the change. Gee, thanks.

I Wish Panties Were Free

2009-06-22T12:40:00.002-03:00

You know, I’m 30 years old, have a good job, a good husband and a great kid. Things are still pretty tight financially but we get by. Sort of.

I really hoped at this stage in my life, I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about splurging $25 for 10 pairs of panties. But I do. I mean who’s going to argue I wasted money on panties that were on sale $2.25/pair. I will, in my head, as I wrestle with priorities. I mean, we can’t pay our utilities but I can get new undies. Jon can get the Father’s Day present he wanted but not put that same $35 on our power bill. Believe me, this is the first time in my adult life I’ve ever really had to worry about being behind on basics. This last year has been incredibly difficult for our family, especially since starting at [Corporate Life]. I had to take a big pay cut. But I really love this job and I’m hoping to get a good review soon and get that salary bumped up a bit.

I guess I’m going to take a lesson from the school of Oprah. She said quite a while ago but I’ve never forgotten it, “Pay yourself first”. I’m sure she wasn’t talking about splurging, more like savings, but I’m using her words to try and make myself feel better. It’s not often we go out and treat ourselves. I can’t tell you how long it’s been since Jon and I had a “date night”. I buy everything I can second hand off Kijiji and sell our old stuff for extra cash. Coupons are my new best friend. I find myself pretty envious of those who aren’t struggling like we are. But what can you do? Keep on going, hoping each day will be better than the next. And you know what I want more than anything? For Jon to get better and kick these migraines in the ass. Doesn’t seem like much to ask for but when you don’t know why they’re happening and nothing fixes or helps them, it seems like a HUGE amount to ask .

Also, this morning I hit my forehead on the cabinet behind the toilet today. Don’t ask. Now I have I bump and bruise up there. Luckily it’s just in my hair line but still. I’m telling you, my head is like a magnet for odd objects. I mean seriously, it’s lucky I don’t have brain daaaa-mage-mamage-mamage…

Husbandcide With a Side of Why you Little!!

2009-06-01T10:18:00.002-03:00

It all started this morning at 2:56am. I heard little footsteps come into our bedroom. She then proceeded to chuck a pillow, blanket and giant stuffed frog onto the bed. After snuggling between Jon and I, Lauren then decided to send me out for her water. I got the sippy cup out of her bed and gave it to her when she then said, mummy, and I said no (knowing full well she was about to ask for “fresh” water.) About ten minutes later she said she wanted to go back to her room. Fine. So I get her and her entourage back to her room, kiss her good night and leave. I get up two more times to 1) turn on a light for her, 2) turn off the volcano light because “something’s wrong with it” and switch on the penguin light instead. When I heard a final MUMMYYYYY come screaming out of her room, she got a LAUREN BE QUIET!! And that was that until 7am.

Of course she won’t wake up at 7am. How can one wake up so early after spending an hour awake at 3am? I know she spent more time awake after I put her back to bed because she had new blankets, Spiderman slippers on and books all over her bed. So when I try to wake her up to get dressed and have breakfast, she turns all teenager on me. When she finally gets out of bed, getting dressed is no issue but breakfast (damn you breakfast) is like pulling teeth. She won’t say what she wants and I don’t have time to fart around about it. So it’s 7:45, the time we need to leave, when she decided she wants eggs and toast. I’m all No way. You should’ve said that sooner because now we don’t have time. You can have a granola bar on the way.

Well she didn’t want that so I told her she wouldn’t be having breakfast this morning. I would think she’d be pretty hungry by snack time. Well Jon seemed to think she’d wither away to nothing and frantically started making her what she wanted. WTF buddy? I’m trying to teach a lesson here and you go and shit all over it! She’s always pulling this kind of crap at breakfast time and she needs to learn what will happen if she continues to dick around in the morning. I guess she’ll just learn that she gets whatever she wants from daddy.

I was fuming and decided that if he was going be a jerkass, I was going to be passive aggressive. So I started doing stupid things just to be in the way, like water the plants.

After we get shoes on, Lauren and I head down to the car. And out in the hallway, doesn’t she body-check our landlords plant. God DAMN IT! If I ever see her touch that plant again, so help her cute little butt. She was lucky I didn’t reach down and throttle her right then and there.

She got a kiss goodbye. Jon didn’t. I thought to myself on the way into work, is there a term for killing one’s husband or is it just called murder…

Graduation Day

2009-05-28T22:42:00.008-03:00

My baby graduated preschool today. Nanny, Jon and I went to watch Lauren accept her diploma and kick the crap out of a pinata this morning at the Y. She did such a great job! Walked right up to get her diploma and shake Arthur's hand. Being the rockin mom I am, I forgot my camera and had to rely on Jon's craptacular camera phone. But really, crappy pictures are better than no pictures, right?

The class sang four songs, The Itsy Bitsy Spider, The Giant Spider, Alligator and The Little Green Frog. Enjoy a small portion of Alligator, complete with life-like actions. Ok, the sound doesn't work (not sure why) but you can at least watch the actions.

She's such a big little person and we are so proud of her. Way to go Lauren!!

DIY Plumbers Butt Remover

2009-05-16T23:34:00.008-03:00

Lauren has no bum and a tiny waist so keeping her pants up is a constant struggle. I'm either hiking her pants up or telling her to hike her pants up. She doesn't like help going to the bathroom ("I need privacy mummy") so a belt was pretty much out of the question since she can't work the buckle.

And then I had an idea. A velcro belt. So I googled it and sure enough, there is a company out there that makes velcro belts for young kids. A US company that charges exchange, shipping and duty. I've mentioned my financial issues so ordering this belt was out of the question but looking at it further, I thought to myself, I can make that.

And so $5 and 5 minutes later (with help from a friend with a sewing machine), I did. And it's AWESOME!! Now her butt won't hang out AND she won't need help undoing her pants.

My! What A Vast Vocabu...FIRE!!!

2009-05-12T10:39:00.003-03:00

- At the FredKid fair on Sat, we decided to take Lauren into the smoke house to show her what a real fire might feel like and to show her what to do. Now, you have to understand that for the last month or so, Lauren has been on a real fire kick. If you ask her about it, she’ll go into great detail about not hiding under the bed or in the closet and to GET OUT possibly through a trap door (lol) but not before making sure the door knob isn’t hot and then crawling to safety if it’s smoky or running if it’s not. And to Stop Drop and Roll if she’s on fire, followed by a quick demonstration.

Anyway, we get inside the smoky-filled room and I say “Ok, what do we do?” And she looks at me in front of the fireman and I’m thinking I’m about to show off my super smart kid and she says “I don’t know. Pick me up! I want out.” Damn it…

- Sunday at family dinner, she told everyone that she wanted a new cat named Carly. She plans to open the door to the hall, shoo out Trinity, lead her down the stairs and let her out the door. Once she’s gone, we get a new nice cat. When asked why, she responded, “Sometimes when she’s under the table, she scratches me because she’s surly.”

- Driving home last night after work, we were asking Lauren what she wanted to be when she grew up. Jon and I were tossing out occupations and it went something like this.

Me: “Do you want to take care of animals?”
Lauren: “Yeah!”
Jon: “How about going into space and exploring the stars?”
Lauren: “Sure.”
Me and Jon: “How about driving a bus, or being a teacher? What about a police officer or an acrobat?”
Lauren: “ AHHH!! Too many options!!”

Spiderman, Phil Spiderman

2009-04-28T16:20:00.001-03:00

“Good Afternoon [Corporate Life]”
“Is this [Corporate]?” (asked as if it’s my first name or something)
“Um, yes…” (thinking “Did you seriously just ask for the first name of the company name like it’s a person?”)

It would be like calling the Bank of Montreal and asking for “Bank”. What an idiot…

Rat-Face Bird-Lady

2009-04-16T21:52:00.005-03:00

I have a theory. It's not to be interpreted or over-complicated. It's very simple.

Most people can be classified as either a rodent (mouse or rat) or a bird. Simply by looking at their face.

What the hell am I talking about? Haven't you ever seen someone and said to yourself "That lady seriously looks like a bird?", "That guy has rat teeth?" or "She's cute as a mouse?" Well, I have. Most people you can classify right away, but there are those whose just don't fit the theory. God damn anomalies....

There is no wiggle room into the rodent portion of my theory. No, that guy doesn't look more like a meerkat than a prairie dog. It's rat or mouse. My theory, my rules. Make up your own theory, ya picky bastards.

Go people watching. Go. Right now. You'll never look at people the same way.

Lobster Gravy and Elf Nuts

2009-04-16T21:07:00.010-03:00

It's been a week and a half since I got home from the DR and nothing has been mentioned about the adventures myself and the Princess had. Here are the highlights:

On the plane ride over, they turned on "Quantum of Solace". I'm watching away and can see the Princess out of the corner of my eye. So I look over, we simultaneously take out our earbuds, and she says loudly "Are you hearing what I'm hearing?" Since I'm hearing machine guns firing, I put her earbud in for a listen and hear "MONEY MONEY MONEY MONEEYY!" And so begins the hysterical laughing.... Side note: the movie would have much better with the musical soundtrack.
Two days later in the wee hours of the morning, I'm trying to sleep when I hear "Oh God, OH GOD!!" and see the Princess bolt upright in bed, fling a HUGE beetle from her chest onto the floor and jump up trying to stomp the thing to death. How does one go back to sleep after that??
We had reservations to the Seafood restaurant Friday night (I think). We weren't exactly sure what the food would be like, so we went to the buffet and had a pre-supper supper. Princess had a light snack and I loaded up my plate. Like I was ever one to go easy on the food front. Anyway, we also had a few pre-supper cocktails. Which made the lobster gravy a lot easier to deal with, and by deal with I mean laugh hysterically at to the point of tears. What is lobster gravy, you ask? Well, it's listed on the menu as lobster cream but don't be fooled by the name. We thought it would be a nice bisque. Most un-bisque-like, it's brown, has the consistency of gravy and sand and has a dirty-ass lobster flavour. Oh and it's served with the worlds largest spoon so you can try and choke it down in a shorter amount of time. Or not at all in this case.
Immediately following the delivery of the lobster gravy, they came around with a roll basket. Princess opted for the onion-parmesan-garlic something or other and I got the corn roll. Cornmeal roll you say? No. I split the roll to butter it and wasn't there a perfect little yellow kernel of corn right there staring at me. We laughed so hard at this poor little roll, I wasn't even breathing.
Princess had warned me prior to the trip that she tended to get a lot of attention down south because of her blue eyes. She wasn't even remotely exaggerating. We went to the bar and I ordered "dos mai tais". The way the bartender looked at Sarah I thought I'd really gotten the Spanish wrong because guy just stood there staring at her. Seriously. He finally snapped out of it, got our drinks and then was all like "I love your beautiful eyes...Mi amore". Blech! Only to turn around to have some dirty old man from Paradise, NS invite her to his room "to do dirty things" to him. He also offered up his 16 year old grandson. Could be the blue eyes, or it could've been the boob-shirt. All I know is that Princess has some serious voodoo while wearing that blue top.
Walking back to our room after a few too many, and me hurling insults very loudly about how crappy the evening show was, these ladies jogged past us. Princess was saying something and I'm off in my own little place, inserting the usual uh-huh's, but then hear "...elf nuts...". I actually go along with it for awhile but then I have to ask why she's talking about elf nuts and that I'm really confused. Then the drunken laughter begins. She actually said health nuts. From now on, health nuts, are now elf nuts.
On the trip home, we went through some pretty rough turbulence. I have been known to get pretty bad motion sickness and although I had popped gravol pre-flight, I needed more. I only had a mouth-full of water to try and swallow that quarter-gravol in my pocket but I had to chance it. In goes the gravol, in goes the water, pill gets stuck and back out comes the water-gravol mush into my cup. I shove the cup at Princess to hold while I try and get my gum out of my backpack to rid my mouth of that disgusting bitter taste. Um, Princess has spit issues and turned as far away from that cup as possible and yells at me, right in the ear of the guy next to her, to GET THAT AWAY FROM ME OR I'M GOING TO PUKE!! I didn't see it but that guys expression must have been priceless I'm sure.

We were both was pretty excited to get home to see our babies but I am soooo ready to get my ass back under that thatched-roof hut on the beach.

Bitch, You Better Keep Driving

2009-03-10T12:49:00.004-03:00

I am not usually the type to bitch about stupid drivers and can normally let things slide but holy sweet fucking Christ people. Today you pushed me too damn far.

I was leaving Jon’s office this morning after dropping him off and doesn’t some asshole coming in decide to take up the entire width of the driveway almost plowing into the front of my car.

About 2 minutes later, in front of the on/off ramps on Kimble, I see this car driving towards me in MY lane. And it only takes me a second to realize that this fucking RETARD didn’t scrape his god damned windshield which was COMPLETELY covered in frost. Um, isn’t it kind of important to see out of the front of the car? Or maybe this particular driver felt he could use his echolocation skills and “sense” the other drivers with his super bat-like hearing!

On to lunch time. After dropping Lauren off at Jay’s, I made my way down Fulton Ave and was about the turn left onto Maple. Or so I thought. This Black Malibu, turning left on to Fulton at the stop sign on Maple, couldn’t decide whether it wanted to stop or not and so it galloped, yes galloped, straight through the STOP sign right in front of me. I had the right of way, what with NO STOP SIGN seen for me anywhere, so I threw up my hands in the air like “WTF Dude??” and the female passenger FLIPS ME OFF!!! AHHHHHH!!! She was so fucking lucky the driver kept going cause bitch would’ve gone DOWN! I. Was. Livid.

I just wanted to get to Jon’s office for him to bring me back to work and don’t I get stuck behind a frickin BACK HOE going 20kms the entire length of Maple Street. (Insert teeth grinding noise here)

I finally make it to his office and all I could say when asked how my day was going was “Get me the hell out of this car.”

Although, it did make my day to see a lady slip on a patch of ice next to her car and throw her keys over her roof.

Random Observations That Think They're Better Than You

2009-03-04T12:16:00.004-04:00

I am a thief. This morning, as I was walking past the ATM machine to come up into my office, I noticed a lone Tim’s cup sitting on the shelf next to the garbage can. I noticed it because it was a Roll-Up-The-Rim cup. I stopped and also noticing no one around anywhere, I decided that cup… was MINE! Why you say? Because it hadn’t been rolled up yet! I scurried my way up the stairs and into the bathroom where I proceeded to dump out the contents into the sink. I unrolled the rim and…… stupid please play again. Thievery is soooo not worth it.

I am THAT parent. The one who sent her sick kid to daycare. I’m sorry but mommy just started a new job and can’t take any time off yet. Sorry, Jack, Alivia and Jeanette. Next time, she stays home. I promise.

Speaking of sick. When someone is sick all the time, with one thing after another, sympathy tends to wear thin. Yeah, it sucks you’re sick but what else is new. Suck it up buttercup. If you’re going to live this way, you better learn to manage it and keep on going because the world won’t stop for your body aches, chills, fever, stomach ache, chest pain, head ache, exhaustion, back pain or whatever else is ailing you that day.

As the first person you see when entering my place of work, I understand that I must always put forth a professional appearance. I also understand that you, pink lady, seem to think I’ve never held this type of position before. I do not need fashion advice or tips on how to look professional from you. Last week, you told me that to maintain a professional appearance you always wear a suit jacket. Let’s get one thing clear, pink lady. Putting a black suit jacket on over a white t-shirt and brown cord pants, does NOT make you look "professional". On that particular day, I had the below outfit on. You tell me who looked more professional.

Dude! Where The Hell Were You??

2009-02-18T20:59:00.004-04:00

I've been thinking about blogging and then thought nahhh. I just haven't felt like it even though lots of stuff has been happening. But I suppose it's time to update.

For abour 3 weeks in January, I worked from home for Big Red covering for a girl who was out with her sick husband. It was pretty sweet. I got to keep my regular salary and spend all day in my jammies. And when I thought I was done that, they offered to put me on a contract til April covering for another girl who was out. But the week before they made me the offer, I had interviewed for another job and was pretty sure I was going to be made an offer. It was with a really great, long-standing company that I really wanted to get into. Then a week later, we had a lunch meeting and they offically made the offer. So, I called Big Red and said Adios suckers! But it somehow came out as, Thank you so much for the opportunity but I can't pass up a permanent position. Weird...

To sum it all up, I started working for, hmmmm what to call them...Making up an alias is hard. Got it. I started working for [Corporate Life] Feb 16. It's been three days and I'm still very much convinced I made the right choice. Everyone has been really nice, I got a welcome bag full of goodies AND a free lunch on my first day! It's a fairly big office and I'm one of three, soon-to-be-two admin assistants who cater to whom ever needs me/us. So, theres always something to do for someone.

On to other news.. Lauren had her first bloody nose yesterday. When I picked her up at preschool, everything was fine until she wiped her nose on her coat sleeve. Yeah, it was gross. Blood everywhere. But horrible as it was, I had to get my ass back to work asap, so I made her hold a tissue on her nose in the car on the way to Jeanette's. She was fine with it but I wish I could have had more time to just be with her when it happened. But really, she wasn't freaking out or anything, she was more curious about what was happening. But since Jon and I both have a history of bloody noses as kids, I'll be keeping a close eye on her and Kleenex on hand at all times from now on.

That's it for now, I suppose. I'll try to update more frequently but I promise nothing. Maybe when [Corporate Life] sends the monitor to go with my new computer...

No Title For You!

2009-01-06T20:35:00.004-04:00

I am officially unemployed. God this sucks. And trying to entertain a 3 year old all day is damn hard. DAMN. HARD. I haven't put out too much of an effort yet in looking for work, mostly because I'm still partially in denial. I figure as long as the pay checks keep coming then all is good, right? Too bad severance can't last forever...

My inner domestic goddess has yet to receive the memo about my excess "home" time thereby leading to a break down at supper last night when I couldn't remember how to cook ANYTHING. For some reason, that big pile of raw chicken just scared the hell out of me. I managed to get two pieces covered in Shake'N'Bake before I dropped the bag at Jon's feet on the couch, walked into the bedroom and shut the door for an hour. Jon, being the good man he is, let me be and finished making supper.

Tonight was a bit better. I decided to try making homemade chicken fingers but it gets complicated when you don't have breadcrumbs. I ended up with Chicken Fingers-A-La-Preschooler using crushed Goldfish Crackers in lieu of breadcrumbs. Although a bit unorthodox, they turned out pretty damn tasty. Not sure why I bothered using a recipe I found online since I subbed all my own ingredients and cooked it how I felt like it. Moral support maybe?

FYI, thinking that you forgot to turn off your coffee maker is NOT a good reason to call Jon for a drive home at 1:15am on New Years eve. If you want a drive home, either come right out and ask for it or better yet, CALL A TAXI! We really need to start charging for these late night pick ups...

Like a Bride Wearing Running Shoes On Her Wedding Day

2008-12-18T09:41:00.005-04:00

I just couldn't do it. Things weren't coming together and I could literally hear the time ticking by to moving month like the sound of that damn beating heart in the floorboards. Looking for a place to live in a city you're never been to is one the most frustrating things I ever attempted. And when you can't find a place to live, finding daycare becomes impossible. And not having a start date added to the problem. It just seemed on thing after another was telling me not to go.

It just wasn't right and I had to listen to the little voice in my head. So, I'm staying put. I'll be jobless but at least I'll have my friends and family here to help me out. FYI, I accept food and cash donations...

Moving would have been a great adventure and maybe one day we will go. When it's right and on our own terms.

Please Pass The Cod

2008-12-10T13:16:00.004-04:00

It's official. I will be moving to Newfoundland in January '09. Where exactly? No clue, well not yet anyway. I'll be working for the St. John's office of Big Red so somewhere around there. I heard that Conception Bay south is the place to be if you have kids but we'll see. Really as long as it's not too far from the office and it's not a crack house, I should be ok. I'm putting my trust into friends who live there to find us a place and basically tell me where my new home is. Talk about nerve racking. I might end up with stubs for fingers if this stress level keeps up.

So when exactly? Also, not a clue. I'm guessing the week of Jan 12. right now I'm working with my HR dept to figure out exactly when they want me to start and then I can try and coordinate the moving company, ferry trips for Jon driving our car and a flight from Halifax for Lauren and I.

I'm going to be a giant ball of nerves by the time the actual move comes around but I hear the liquor is a plenty in Newfoundland so at least I have that to look forward to. Perhaps I should start before I get there...

Consider Yourself Dropped

2008-11-25T15:18:00.003-04:00

I had a person in my life that I considered a very close friend. We shared a lot of things and kept a lot of each others secrets. I valued her friendship and I valued that we trusted each other so much.

Jon and I have had a tough year and I spent a lot of time talking to this friend. There were some negative things said about Jon on her part and whether it was said to make me feel better, or they really meant it, I took it at face value. I sat on the comment for a long time and these same comments were said again on multiple occasions whenever I was upset with Jon or my life in general. Still I let it go. Then when that friend needed my help with her problems, I offered practical advice and never made negative comments.

The more I thought about what I said to her and how she reacted to me when I was upset, the more hurt I got. The more I wondered why she didn’t value my marriage as much as I did. Maybe she did, I dunno. The point is, why was my initial reaction to her problems to fix them and hers was to throw mine away? But again, she could have just said those things to make me think things weren’t so bad. Well, I needed to work out my feelings about this, so I talked to Jon. He was pretty upset about the mean, hurtful things said about him, and rightly so. He and my friend were friends even longer than we’ve been together and so he confronted her about it.

I am now branded as a bad friend because I “betrayed her trust” by telling Jon about the things she said. Maybe I am a bad friend and there’s a secret code I broke. Instead of owning up to what was said and admitting it, she has only said that I broke her trust. She’s throwing away a friendship of over 10 years because of this. Just admit what you said, apologize and move on. I admit that I probably shouldn’t have said anything to Jon but in the end, everything else that was secret between us, still is.

But I suppose there were signs that maybe she didn’t care about me as much as I thought. I initiated the majority of contact between us. I called, I IM’d. When dad was taken to the hospital in an ambulance because his blood pressure dropped out, I confided in her that I was scared because I didn’t know what was wrong. Her response was, “oh, what else is new?” I will never forget that day. Ever. Because I was scared to death and she was so insensitive.

We haven’t spoken in weeks but I still creep her on FB to how things are. I noticed she was in an accident on Sat so I asked if she was alright and once she indicated she was ok, I replied that I was happy she was ok. I got laid off on Thursday and she hasn’t said a word to me. Nothing. She knows how tight things are in our house and what a lay off means to my family. I get it we’re in an argument, it happens but still, this is a huge deal for me. And even not talking I still managed to care enough to ask about her well being after a car accident.

Well, I’ll say it here. I cared about you, I loved you as my best friend. But your lack of compassion and selfishness has just ended any hope of reconciliation. It’s obvious you were only in it for a friend to party with. Stupid me, and I fell for it.

Observations: 2nd Floor - Lingerie, Bruises and WTF???

2008-11-24T11:41:00.002-04:00

I got this awesome new black bra and decided to wear it yesterday(more like last Tuesday...). So I'm working away and notice that the straps keep falling down. I assume they just need to be adjusted and figure I'll just do it at home. So I get home and start changing out of my work clothes and realize that something just doesn't look quite right on my bra. My first thought was Oh Shit... My fab new bra is broken. Upon further inspection, I realize that it's completely undone. So when I felt my straps start to slide down at 11am, my bra had come undone and I was basically free-boobing it. all. day. long.
I've come to the realization that if there is any way for me to bang my head on something, I will. Stupid dryer...
Sorry but under no circumstances will I EVER lend out my lingerie. End of story.
I got a big bucket of WTF on Thursday. I got pulled in the big cahunas office and was told they are shutting down the NB offices of Big Red. And so as of Dec 31, I wouldn't have a job. I was stunned for about 8 hours and it wasn't until the middle of Grey's Anatomy did it really sink in. I, the bread winner of my family, will not have a job after the new year. There have been a few options to stay within the company, be it working from home or moving up north-east or out west (way, way out west). I'm going to try the home route but it may turn out that the Carsons will pull up and move out of this town. Who knows, I may just need a good screeching...

Die You Green Frog Bastard

2008-11-07T09:42:00.005-04:00

I'm fully aware that kids test their boundaries but that doesn't mean knowing about it makes it any easier. I hate bedtime. It's the worst damn time of the whole frickin day at our house lately. I get it, you want to stay up and play. But you know what? After 8pm is MOMMY time. And in that time, mommy swears like a sailor, eats food ALL BY HERSELF and watches gross, scary shows that would give you nightmares. So when I tell you it's bed time and I tuck you in, do NOT immediately kick off the covers and start yelling about water, stuffies, slippers or monsters. I have already taken care of all the issues you are currently beside yourself about. So knock it off and go to sleep.

Side note - The two things Lauren does that will instantly transform me into a raging psycho are kicking at the covers when I'm trying to cover her up in bed and elbowing me to make me go away. When those happen, it takes every ounce of willpower NOT to go all Homer Simpson on her throat.

Back to bedtime... My two favorite lines in our house right now are "I don't care if you sleep but you HAVE to stay in your bed" and "Mommy's show is on so I'll come back and check on you in [insert random number] minutes." That normally keeps her quiet for a few minutes. Actually getting her into bed and tucked in takes about a half hour and really, I can deal with that. What I can NOT deal with is the INCESSANT coming out of her room because she has to pee, she wanted to know what I was talking about, it's too dark, she needs a new stuffy, her slippers won't stay on, did the DOW just drop again...

I swear when it's 10:30 and she's still getting up for whatever reason, I'm ready to duct tape her cute little ass to the bed. Sorry SuperNanny Jo but your bedtime method does NOT work at this house. She comes out, you put her back, she comes back out. Rinse, lather, repeat.

At my wits end last night, I took out her favorite frog night light and told her it was broken and at the shop for repairs until next week. Truth be told, that light was way too bright and only facilitated her nighttime wakefulness. So, frog-be-gone and no, it's not coming back. I don't care how much screaming is involved. It took us an extra 15 minutes to get her into her bed and tucked in last night and she only came out twice to pee. But she was asleep by I would say 8:30ish.

God I hope that wasn't a fluke...

Note to Self: Stop Doing Anything

2008-10-21T14:00:00.003-03:00

Yesterday was one of those days. I had the dark cloud following me everywhere, my boss seemed to think I gave all the electronics in the office pink eye. No, I don't have pink eye, my eye was just irritated and red that day. Anyway, so my work computer crashed last week and I've been using my home laptop to bridge the gap to when my new computer would be ready. I was trying to find a key to unlock some data recovery software I was using to recover my files off my crashed hard drive when BAM!!!! I got hit with a MASSIVE virus.

So, I spent hours trying to clean my laptop only to discover upon rebooting that I can no longer log in to XP. At. All. No Normal mode, not even any type of Safe mode. I was super excited about this revelation. In fact, I was so happy I almost started crying right there. Ahhh but everything is ok. Sort of. I used another computer to try and find a solution to this problem and found that this has happened to numerous people before me and there are fixes out there. If only I could find that XP cd... Recovery Console - Here I come!

On to the evening. I was opening a package of ridiculously bright eyeshadow for Lauren to play with. I used scissors to cut open the plastic packaging and when I tried to put them away, I managed to stick my middle right finger between the blades and snip! Yeah, felt awesome. Good thing we have a large stock of bandaids...

So I decided to do something a bit more domestic and clean out our deacons bench where all the hats, mitts and scarves are. Damn there is a lot of stuff crammed into that tiny little box. So I'm sorting away and I happen across this little Ariel figurine. I toss it on the floor and keep on organizing my bench. Lauren called me over to help her with something and don't I step on that damn Ariel figurine and do a face plant right on the floor between Lauren's chair and the rocking chair. I'm talking full on limbs-flailing-not-sure-if-you're-gonna-fall-but-then-yup-you-fell type of eating dirt. At least I didn't break a bone and Jon wasn't home so he couldn't laugh at my dumb ass.

I was going to go to the gym but thought today would probably be the day that I get distracted and fly off the treadmill. I was also going to go to Erica's but driving seemed a bit too risky what with the other people on the road.

So I decided that I should just stop doing anything and plunk myself on the nice cushy couch where it was safe.

Inside That Icy Exterior Is A Firey She-Beast

2008-09-17T20:54:00.004-03:00

Today at Big Red, one of our part-time people showed up to get some materials. She and I have sort of a, shall we say, complicated relationship. Most of the time, I think she looks at me like a waste of space and so I tend to over-compensate by smiling and agreeing a lot. It's been better lately enough so that she actually asked me how I was today.

And then I hear my boss say "What are you going to a wedding today?" and she comes back with "Excuse me? What do you mean by that?" She was wearing a pretty dress that could go dressy or casual and I was walking by I said to her "I think it's his way of saying you look nice today."

That seemed to appease her and things were good until he comes out of his office and for some unknown reason decided it was a good thing to say "Ok fine, I hate your dress."

Oh. My. God. I swear daggers flew out of my eyes and hit him square in the forehead. All I could think was "Jesus be quiet! I'm pretty sure it breathes fire when it's angry!"

Random Thoughts Cuz That's All I Got

2008-09-03T14:33:00.004-03:00

This morning when Jon dropped me off at work, I went to the back seat to give hugs and kisses to Lauren. She took my hand, put it over her nose and said "What does it snell like mummy?" So, I smelled my hand and it didn't smell like anything to me so I said "I don't know babe. I don't smell anything" and she says "I know mummy! You snell like french fries!" Hahaha... Not sure where she got that since the last time we had fries was last week!
We took Lauren to the Frex on Sunday and she had a blast. Crap! I just remembered I promised her a candy apple on the way out. Meh... We drove past it on Monday and she said "Are we going to the Frex?!?!?" And I said "Not today baby. Maybe we'll stop in later this week" to which she replied "I wish I was there right now..."
I've been watching a lot of YouTube lately and somehow stumbled across FronkN'Dego Films. These two guys are so effing funny that I can barely contain myself. I'm laughing so hard that I'm snorting and crying and eventually can't breathe. Now, most of the time, I watch these videos at work since I'm super busy and I'm trying to be quiet so they don't catch me slacking off. Well, this is really hard to do and the laughs end up coming out sounding like high pitched squeaks. I'm sure my co-workers think I'm having seizures or I've morphed into a pig or something. My favorites are Webcam: The Plate, Gay Zombie and Star Trek Doors.
I found a larder beetle crawling on my foot this morning at work. Ewww. And I knew the little bastard had hitched a ride from home with me because I had never seen one at work before. But I've many a time found them eating the insides of Reeses Pieces under my couch and chomping on cat food Trinity tossed behind her food bowl. I found it around 10am and I really, really don't want to know where it was before that. Shudder..... So itchy now.

Scooby Rooby Roo!!

2008-08-22T23:28:00.005-03:00

So early this morning, I'm suddenly woken up by this awful dog-like howling sound. I was like, we don't have a dog, what the hell is going on? Realizing this horrid sound is right next to me, I look over to see Jon. Howling like Scooby Doo in his sleep.

I shake him awake and I'm like, what the fuck are you dreaming about?? You're howling like a frigging dog!!

Just picture it, Jon fast asleep... Howling... Like a dog...

Holy Christ I'm laughing so hard right now I'm in tears just re-living the moment.

That's Right... Read the Script Like a Good Boy or Girl...

2008-08-12T14:17:00.005-03:00

I've been having a bit more fun lately with the telemarketers. I highly recommend playing with them because well, it's so easy.

Visa called to offer me a no interest card. I told them that my sponsor really wouldn't like that what with my gambling addiction and all. And that yes, I understand it's no interest but do you understand that if I get this card, I'm going to rack up a HUGE debt and NOT pay you back? EVER?? No, I don't want your supervisor. You're enabling a gambling addict and damn it, that's just wrong. Click.

Primus called to offer me a $1 a month long distance phone plan. I asked if they had a $0.50 plan because a dollar a month seemed a bit pricey. No? Oh, well, do I get a free gift for signing up like a toaster or a football phone? Maybe a $50 Visa gift card? No, I don't collect Aeroplan points because those programs as scams. Seriously, maybe a $0.75 plan? I really can't afford that extra quarter. The guy on the phone started to laugh and just said thanks ma'am, have a nice day.

I can't wait for the day I can act offended because they dare to question that I make a trillion bagilion dollars a year, and that yes, in fact my technical job title IS "Butt Doctor."

Ring, HOT Water, Ring, HOT WATER!!

2008-07-21T22:55:00.004-03:00

What the hell is wrong with me?? I am a walking disaster. I was getting ready to wash my hands and turned on the water in the sink. I was taking off my rings when one of them dropped into the sink. I acted on impulse because we don't have a catch on our drain and I didn't want to lose my engagement ring... again. So, I stick my hand in the sink only to be met with SCALDING HOT WATER. What do I do? I said OW!, saw the ring still circling in the sink and stick my hand back in to get it. OWWW!!! Missed the ring and had to go in a third time to catch it. OWWWWW!!!

God damn it that was hot effing water. My hand is throbbing and burning but at least the ring is safe. For now...

Business In The Front, Party In The Back

2008-07-13T16:39:00.006-03:00

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed that when I picked Lauren up from daycare, J had chopped off all of Lauren's hair because "it kept getting in her face." I was hysterical, a horrid combination of deep, deep sadness and burning anger. Jon didn't seem to think it was a big deal. Typical.

If something like this ever happened in real life, I can't say that I would react differently. I have this fear, seriously, that I'll leave Lauren with her Aunt Joeley or Nanny Bonnie, and they'll return her with trimmed/cut hair or bangs or something. I'm not normally a very sentimental kind of mom and let go of Lauren's baby stuff quite readily, save for a couple of things. And "firsts" are very welcome in our home. But I have this thing with her hair. It will be a very hard day for me when it's time for her first hair cut. I'm actually dreading it. It took her so long to grow hair that I can't imagine ever cutting some of it off.

Bad, Bad Appliance Mommy

2008-07-09T14:01:00.003-03:00

I really shouldn't be allowed to own, operate or maintain any type of heavy duty machinery or appliance. Monday night, I managed to set my stove on fire. Twice. I had made some pudding Sunday night and it overflowed while in the boiling stage and I didn't clean up underneath the burner. So, when we tried to make supper on Monday night, Sunday night's pudding set aflame. Stupid me thought it was a great idea to pour a bit of water on to put it out. It wasn't a grease fire, but the fire was on the aluminum liner underneath the scalding hot burner. Cold water + white hot element = well, I was lucky this time not to have it explode.

The apartment was full of smoke and Lauren was pretty scared because the first fire wasn't little. We opened up all the windows and got the fan out to push out the smoke. And I'm standing there watching this thick smoke and wondering shouldn't there be some type of alarm going off here? We've always just assumed there was some sort of built in fire/smoke alarm in the building. Perhaps we should ask the LL about that one.

And then it happened again 10 minutes later. Just a small one this time, but still enough to scare Lauren. Whenever you turned on a burner, any burner, it smoked. So, we managed to finally get supper completed (so not worth the effort btw) and I banished the use of the stove until further notice.

Last night, I kicked the crap out that stove. I busted out the gloves and steel wool and got to scrubbin'. I don't think in the 4 years we've lived there, we've ever really cleaned the stove. I mean I'd clean the top of it when it got dirty, but never the burner insets, the elements, or under the range. Last night, it got a thorough clean. And I got some ugly ass burner covers so nothing gets splattered on the elements when we're cooking.

I swear if I see one lick of smoke come from the stove tonight, (shaking fist (shake harda boy!! - impound lot guy from the simpsons))

No Witty Title For This One

2008-07-02T21:58:00.010-03:00

Happy Belated Canada Day! It's been a doozy. It's been drama, drama, drama around the Carson household since 2am last night when Jon and I heard some unusual noise.

Jon was getting into bed last night when these noises started. It sounded like things were being thrown around and I initially thought it was coming from Lauren's room, like she was chucking toys around but quickly ruled that out when we both jumped out of bed and ran into the living room. The sound was out in the hallway. Sounded to me like someone stumbling around drunk, like really drunk. Jon thought it sounded more like pounding. Well, we were both right. Then CRASH! Like someone dropped a box of dishes, then the building front door slammed and I saw a car peel out of our driveway narrowly missing a parked Jeep. I recognized the car and right away knew it was the loud girl. Jon checked out the hallway only to discover she had kicked out the glass in our landlords front door. He was out cleaning up the mess and Jon offered a hand but only left our broom in the end. We went to bed and I made a note to vacuum the hallway if the LL hadn't.

In the morning, I vacuumed the tiny leftover shards and out of curiosity looked down the stairs. No surprise, there was a trail of blood leading all the way out the door.

Fast forward to about a half hour ago. Jon was talking to the LL and found out that after the loud girl peeled out, she was completely loaded and drove head on into oncoming traffic and is now in the ICU. Well, that explains the multiple sirens we heard go by about 15 minutes after the incident last night.

Like holy shit, what do you say to that? I guess we won't have to worry about her waking Lauren up any more. No one knows why she was so pissed when she got here. Maybe we won't ever know. Not that it's my business anyway.

More drama? OK, a loved one today threatened someone with a murder/suicide and is now in the psych ward at the DECH. This person has had some issues in the past few months (or so I thought) and the second floor is the best place for him. He needs professional help and I'm glad he's there, if only he could have gone through the proper channels. Apparently last year, there was a rehab stint kept very hush hush. We only found out today. I feel so helpless for this boy. He needs love and support from the two people who stupidly don't realize he so desperately yearns for it. How do they not know they need to be there, not in a few days but NOW? Yeah he pushes you away, but I suppose it's because he doesn't think you'll stick around long enough to really care about him anyway. It's terrible but I really believe that too. I shake my head and thank god that Jon will always be by his side when he needs it.

Poopsy Daisy

2008-06-20T21:33:00.006-03:00

I've written about Trinity being toilet trained before and many of you either don't believe me or just want to see her doing it.

Well here you go. My cat now officially hates me and is most likely plotting my death as we speak.

It'll Rot Your Brain, I Tells Ya

2008-06-11T13:12:00.008-03:00

Actual dialogue from a phone call I had about 10 minutes ago.

Good afternoon, Big Red.
Hi, can I speak with G.K.?
I’m sorry G is no longer with this company.
Oh, Can I speak with the person in charge of telecommunications?
It’s a large company and I don’t know who that is.
Ok, well as an employee of the company I can extend this offer to you (Insert boring Rogers cellular speech) Do you have a cell phone?
No, I don’t.
Oh! (Insert more boring Rogers propaganda) So, when do you think you’d use your phone? In the day or the evening?
I don’t want to use one ever.
Oh, why is that?
Radiation.
Oh, that’s a concern but that’s more a myth and really, you eat more radiation from the food you buy.
I grow all my own food.
That’s a healthy lifestyle.
Yes, it is.
Uh…Thank you for your time. Click.

Stupid telemarketers...

It's Getting Hot in Here, So Does This Look Infected?

2008-06-10T10:38:00.005-03:00

This weekend should have been super fun for Lauren with all the warm weather and a new pool at Nanny’s but instead she was racked with a fever. We were getting ready to take her to New Maryland days on Sat when Jon noticed she was warm, so we gave her some meds to curb the 101 fever and took her to the fair. It was TONS of fun and all kid-oriented. There was pony rides, fun games, a petting zoo, bouncy castles, cotton candy and sno-cones, live entertainment and the fire department was even letting the kids fire the water hose (with help of course).

She had a ball and was feeling alright until we went to my father-in-law’s for supper. She was like rag-doll and whimpered for most of the hour we were there. So when we got her home to find out her temp was 104, we were a really worried. But the medication brought the fever down and the nice tepid bath helped too. Oddly though, when I checked her temp around midnight, it was down to 96 when it should have been 98.6ish

The next morning, she was on fire with 105 and so hot to the touch. But again, meds brought it down to a more manageable number. I took her to Nanny’s in the afternoon to play in the pool to keep her cool and it worked. She was back to her old self but after a quick play in the sun blowing some bubbles, it shot back up again. And again the meds and one really, really deep tepid bath got it under control.

Monday brought much of the same until about 4pm when Jon called me at work to tell me her fever was 107. Needless to say, he drove her straight to the DECH and I called the Princess to drive me up to meet them. Now here is where I got irritated.

I walk in with this super hot toddler, limp in my arms and she’s barely speaking and no one even looks twice at us. The one intake nurse is busy trying to reason with a suicidal guy in handcuffs with two police officers standing there looking at me holding Lauren. I ended up (on the Princesses excellent advice) grabbing the first LPN I saw and telling them that she needed to look at Lauren. So she took her temp and it had gone down a bit to 102, and she didn’t look the least bit worried. Well, I know my kid and I don’t care what that thermometer said, she was hotter than that. Lauren doesn’t start acting like this until it’s 103 or higher. So what do they do? Give her Tylenol and check us again in a half hour. It went down a few points of a degree and they tell us to go to a clinic because it’s too busy. But they’ve called ahead to have us put on the wait list. Gee, thanks.

By the time we got there, the Tylenol kicked in completely and I was starting to wonder why we were wasting our time since I was sure they’d look at this energetic, talkative kid who was playing jumping peek-a-boo games with the lady at reception and tell me I was over-reacting and send us on our way.

But I’m glad we waited those 2 hours. Because as soon as the doctor looked in her throat, he said “Ohhhh, ok” Her tonsils are infected and the size of small marbles. He wrote her a prescription and we were on our way after less than 5 minutes in his office.

Now, why couldn’t the ER nurse at the DECH have taken two seconds to look in her throat? I know she’s not a doctor but I looked in Lauren’s throat last night and it doesn’t take MD to see those huge red tonsils. We could have been in and out by 5pm.

The next time we have an emergency, we’re going to Oromocto.

Observations of the Random Variety

2008-05-29T10:23:00.005-03:00

I hate Avis. I hate calling them to rent a car for Big Red. Damn it, trying to prepay for a rental car using a corporate card is like trying to give a cat bath. You come out bloodied and scarred and you know damn well the price was too much for the result. I’ve been transferred to a call centre here in Fredericton then to Oklahoma and then to that most irritating ‘click’ then the dial tone. I was told ask for the direct billing department, but then being told that they don’t have a direct billing department the next time you call. Next time, either the instructor rents their own car or they hitch hike. Period.

I’ve been in this family a long time and I’ll finally say it, What the hell are arse darts?!?! It sounds hilarious but I have no idea what you’re talking about. It can’t possibly be what I’m thinking, can it?

We finally bought a new TV last night, well new to us anyway. We got it off Kijiji (best site ever!) for $50. It’s a good thing it was the same make and almost same model as the set we already had because it didn’t come with a remote (seriously, who sells a TV with no remote?) Luckily it worked with our old remote and required no programming. Wow, I never knew how disgusting CSI really was until last night. I love it!

Congrats Stephanie and Trent on their wedding last Sat night. Leave it up to Dunphy’s to throw a rockin’ party. I had such an awesome time. Princess and I had to wait some time in the mobile bar for Jon to go get us a bottle opener so we could break into the rum coolers. (Whoever thought it would be a good idea to make a cooler without a twist-off cap should be shot.) Whilst waiting, we found mom’s camera. Nuff said.

Driving home last week, Lauren was playing with a pinwheel in her open window. She kept trying to stick the thing out the window and I finally told her to keep it in the car or mommy will take it away.

Her response “Not now mommy, I’m being funny! Hahahahaha!”

Speaking of Lauren, whoever thought potty-training was hard never met my kid. With the help of a strategically placed jar of potty treats (Reeses Pieces), she decided one day a month ago that she wanted those treats and since peeing on the potty was the only way to get them, she peed on the potty. She hasn't looked back since. She still wears a diaper to sleep but in the grand scheme of things, we're cool with that. We by-passed the Pull-up trap and went straight to wearing panties all day and she's done so great. No accidents! We've never pushed her to use the potty, we just planted the seed with the potty treats and let nature take its course. Jon and I are so proud of her!

While it's great she's potty trained, it's now created an awesome stall tactic at bedtime. If she's awake, she refuses to pee in her diaper so when she stands at her door and says she needs to go potty, we let her go. This is all well and good except for the times when you know she doesn't have to go. Those conversations generally go like this:

Me: "Ok, come and use the potty"
L: "Potty!!"
Me: "Sit down and go pee, please."
Sits down and laughs and moves around and is just happy to be out of her room.
Me: "Lauren, go pee please"
L: "Ok"
Me: "Do you have to pee or do you just want potty treats?"
L: Smiling at me. "Potty treats"

Proud Mommy Moment

2008-05-23T12:13:00.008-03:00

Oh My God. Is my kid not the most beautiful effing kid you've ever seen?? Seriously, I am in awe of how damn cute she is. The hair, the eyes, the smile?? Oh that smile. Sometimes, that smile is the only thing keeping her from a one-way trip in a burlap sack tied to a cinder block.

I kid, I kid. But sometimes, I just can't believe that Jon and I made such a perfect little being together.

She's just...amazing.

Happy Mother's Day! Bleeccchhhh.

2008-05-13T14:22:00.006-03:00

On Saturday morning, we went to the FredKid fair for some fun or as Lauren called it "the fence." There were lots of booths, but I was disappointed they didn’t have a place for the preschool kids to play like last years Active Kids corner. The train display was pretty cool, but man Lauren was pissed that she couldn’t play with it. Dude, you can’t have a HUGE Lego train display in front of countless toddlers and not have trains to play with. I’m sure I wasn’t the only parent irritated at that.

Jon was carrying Lauren on his shoulders as we were headed out and I wanted to get my camera. Jon had put it in his pocket so I shoved my hand in there and started feeling around for it. You can imagine what it looked like I’m sure. A man walked by and said Hi to Jon. I asked him who it was and he said, Andy Scott. So, Andy Scott just watched me practically groping my mans junk in public.

I had a pretty good Mother’s Day. Lauren made me a wonderful card and Jon made me a yummy breakfast. All I wanted was to not clean or really do much of anything and so that is what I got. Until 10:30pm. Let’s just say the puke bug bit Lauren hard on the ass and didn’t let go until late Monday. I got a day off work out of it though, I just wish it wasn’t filled with vomit. On the upside, we finally taught Lauren that puking in a bowl was way better than just finding a bare patch of floor.

My mom took me out to the mall on Sunday and bought me a beautiful dress and some fancy shoes to wear to my cousin’s wedding. Last night, I napped on the couch for a half hour in those shoes. They just make me feel so damn pretty…

Flood Says What?

2008-05-01T11:51:00.008-03:00

I'm off for the next couple of days since they shut off the power to our building, so Lauren and I went out flood watching this morning. I decided to take some pictures of Brunswick St. right behind my office.

"Take a picture of my knuckles, mama"

"What did you do to the statue, mama?" Yeah, like I surrounded her favorite statue with water on purpose...

Oh No You Di'nt!

2008-04-28T15:14:00.002-03:00

I made it out with the girls on Saturday night for my cousins stagette party. And I got my very first trip in a limo! When the limo got to the house, me and few other girls ran to get in and I somehow got the end seat at the very back. Now when you try to squeeze 13 into a limo capable of holding 10, something has to give. And that something was me. I ended up getting squished out and had to sit on the floor. Boo. Well, the trip to the second bar I made sure to get in somewhere in the middle. Gotta tell ya, limo’s rule when in an actual seat.

We had tons of fun out, although I was sad at the lack of money making games for the bars. I mean really, where was the “Suck for a Buck” t-shirt and standard bag of suckers??? Our bride-to-be lucked out and didn’t even have a list of ridiculous tasks to complete by nights end. Men – your undies are safe for another stagette.

I had so much fun and way too many shooters. At the end of the night, the Princess and I left together and we decided to grab a hotdog from the cart in front of Sweets. Whilst waiting, an older man came up to us and started in on the standard drunk guy stuff, you know “you’re so pretty and you girls are so beautiful” crap. Well, apparently we weren’t gracious enough or at all really. The next thing I know, he’s calling me a spoiled brat and a bitch. Whoa, and the gloves came off. Nobody, especially some drunk asshole, calls me a bitch and gets away with it. I distinctly remember telling him that I didn’t know him from a piece of shit on the street and what gives him the right to talk to me that way.

Princess kept telling me to leave, but she did get in a dig about him wearing sunglasses at 1am. We finally started up the street with this asshat following us. He got a little too close for comfort to me, so I turned around and with my best calm, stern, mommy voice and pointed finger, I looked him straight in the eye and said Sir, if you don’t leave us alone, I’m going to call 911. (Yes, I really called him sir.) That was that and he crossed the street.

Side note, cab service SUCKS at 1am. I called for two cabs since P and I were going in opposite directions and NEITHER of them showed up. We each managed to get cabs a half hour later just by grabbing them as they passed by.

How about this?
1 double Sailor Jerry’s rum and coke
3 Lime Fuzzy Ducks
2 Jello Shooters
1 Rootbeer Schnapp’s shooter
1 PornStar shooter
1 Vodka and Sprite

And I woke up feeling pretty damn good, and if you know me, this is HUGE. I usually get a major hangover from just 3 beers. Dude, the times be changin…

Bow Chicka Wa-waaaaa

2008-04-22T11:01:00.005-03:00

God, it's been boring over here. I have nothing to write about. Well, nothing I want to write about on here anyway.

So, I'll ask you all for some advice on the Whiny, CrankyPants I call my kid. How do you fix the "I caaaan't!!" that comes after asking the little bugger to do something you know damn well she can do? I'm at my wits end.

BTW Skittles flavored Lip Smackers RULE!

Where's The Cheese To Go With My Whine??

2008-04-06T20:37:00.009-03:00

Aside from the time I spent with my mom birthday shopping yesterday morning and the birthday supper at Erika's last night, this has to be one of, if not, THE worst birthdays ever. My actual birthday, today, has been so lackluster I might as well have stayed in bed all day. Except that the cat shat all over the bathtub and I had to clean that up at 6am, then I wake up to Lauren playing in the living room at 6:30 and spend 15 minutes trying to get Jon up because he's "letting me sleep in" this morning, then having to get up around 9 because all I can hear is Lauren yelling "WAKE UP DADDY, WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP!" I get up and he's asleep on the couch. So far the day is off to a stellar start.

No one called me all day to wish me a happy birthday (except Shelley at my parent's house, THANKS! and thanks to all the Facebook Birthday wishes!) I didn't get to pick my meal for supper or what kind of cake I wanted. Jon had to go back to bed at 1:30 because his head hurt so Lauren and I went to family supper by ourselves. Sarah and JJ had to leave to go to a birthday party so they didn't stay for supper. Honestly, I really wish I had crashed that 5 year olds birthday party for a little excitement today.

I had mentioned to Jon a couple of days ago that I would like to get a gift from Lauren this year. Nothing big, anything made from crayons or macaroni would be perfectly acceptable. Nada. And I get a cash present from him because he's a procrastinator. Hey, at least I got something this year from him.

The cat has been sick for a couple of weeks so her gift was explosive diarrhea for me to clean up in the bathroom. Bless her little heart...

When we get home from supper, Jon's still in bed and Lauren has a 102 fever. So I give her some Tylenol and put her to bed and now I'm sitting here all alone. To keep from losing it, I've turned to cleaning. So, the apartment looks great, laundry is done and I feel like shit.

Happy Fucking Birthday to me.

Flame Baby Flame

2008-04-01T10:37:00.003-03:00

I was watching Dateline or 20/20 a few nights ago about homosexuality and transgenders and I’ve been thinking about a certain part of it since. They seem to think they may have found a “gay” gene and I got pretty worked up about it when I heard that.

In the Nature vs. Nurture debate, I am a firm believer that a person is born gay, it’s not something they learn or choose to do. The reason I am so up in arms about the possibility gay gene is that, I’m afraid people will want to start genetic screening and abort babies because they don’t want a gay son or daughter.

And what if they get a positive result after genetic testing and decide to keep the baby out of obligation due to culture or religion, instead of love? Will they raise their child different? Will they treat little Billy or Suzie differently? Will they grow up shamed from the day they are born because of something they were destined to be? You can’t force homosexuality out of someone. Forcing Tonka trucks and dirt bikes on boys and princesses and dresses on girls won’t change what a person feels inside.

The whole idea of genetically testing fetuses for non-health related “issues” scares the crap out me. If my child turned out to be gay, I wouldn’t love them any less or treat them differently because of it. And I hate the fact that there are people out there who don’t see it that way, because of their closed minds and homophobic beliefs.

There is nothing wrong with being gay. And it would serve absolutely zero purpose to find out in utero. It is our jobs as parents to love our kids for who they are; gay, straight, tall, short, fat, thin, easy-going, stubborn, introvert, extrovert and the list goes on.

Oh and the male transgender who is now pregnant? It's not a miracle of science, the woman-turned-man never had the gender reassignment surgery. She took testosterone hormones to have more masculine features, but still had all the female parts required for reproduction. All he had to do was start taking some estrogen to increase his female hormones add some donated sperm and VOILA! he/she was pregnant. No miracle of science, just hormones. It's only weird to look at since he/she still looks like a man. It's not "Junior" people...